| Looking for a list of holiday classics to rent this season?
Well, you won’t find it here. Sorry. Instead, I’m just going to go on about some obscure out-of-print VHS tape that has nothing to do with Christmas, just like I do every week. "But John," I hear you plead, "how are we going to know what DVD to play once the adults are sedated by a full turkey meal and the kids are all wired up on shortbread and cola?" Quit your whining, and go and watch the same thing you saw last year. It’s a Wonderful Life (1946), or How the Grinch Stole Christmas! (1966) or something.
This is a time for comfortable old classics, not to try something new. And don’t rent it – buy it. Your video store probably only stocks one rental copy of the yuletide classic you have in mind, and it’ll be rented out by somebody else by now. Blockbuster Video doesn’t even charge late fees any more, so whoever nabbed that copy of Robbie the Reindeer (1999) probably won’t get around to returning it until January. See that huge pile of holiday DVDs for sale over there? Go buy one. Sure they’ll be cheaper on Boxing Day, but do you really wanna fight that December 26th mob just to save a few bucks on a Christmas movie? I’m usually all about bargain hunting, but in December, it’s rarely worth the effort. Just bite the bullet and fork over the cash. Then you’ll be set for next year, too. Ho ho ho.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s move on to Whoops Apocalypse (1982), a British sitcom about the end of the world. "Watch the world banana skin its chaotic way to Doomsday" says the video sleeve, which accurately describes the plot of this darkly comic six-episode series.
It’s the height of the Cold War, and there’s a dimwitted ex-actor in the White House (Barry Morse as American president "Johnny Cyclops"), advised by a scary fundamentalist with a sneaky and violent demeanour (John Barron as "The Deacon"). President Cyclops is a stammering dunce, constantly getting railroaded into making controversial decisions and wondering why his popularity is lower than Charles Manson’s. The British prime minister (Peter Jones) thinks he’s Superman, and calmly informs his disbelieving aides that if there’s a nuclear war he can personally move England out of the way of the missiles with his super strength.
The British government struggles to keep the PM’s insanity a secret from the Premier of the Soviet Union (Richard Griffiths as "Dubienkin"), who keeps dropping dead, only to be replaced immediately with an identical clone of himself, several times during the series. Meanwhile, tensions rise in the Middle East, as the deposed Shah of Iran (Bruce Montague) finds himself trapped on a cross-channel ferry, aided only by his ridiculous footman Abdab (David Kelly), a fawning zealot who insists on wearing a blindfold at all times, so as not to be blinded by the Shah’s "brilliant radiance."
If the previous paragraph seemed like an awful lot of information to take in all at once, get used to it – this is how fast the show moves. You can’t look away from the screen for an instant, or you’ll miss something crucial. As a result, most viewers either never got into the show, or love it to this day – there’s very little middle ground here.
The show’s savage sense of humour will be too bleak for many viewers, but others will treasure its perverse satire. I particularly like Abdab’s obsequious grovelling ("Is that you, crown jewel of the universe?" "I am not worthy, jewel of the firmament." "One hundred and sixty apologies, Scott of the Antarctic!" and so on). Watch for John Cleese as the outrageous "Lacrobat" – an international terrorist and master of disguise who uses a dizzying array of funny accents to smuggle a nuclear weapon across the globe. Other comic highlights include the president reacting with surprise at a man being crucified on the White House lawn ("Er, Deacon. Don’t you think the Easter decorations are a little severe this year?") and the prime minister casually tossing a caped dog out the window ("Well Krypto, it’s time for your fly ‘round the block").
All six episodes of Whoops Apocalypse (1982) have been edited together into a lightning-paced 137-minute videotape from Weekend Video. It’s extremely hard to find – in fact, it’s probably one of the rarest items in my collection. The 1986 motion picture, also called Whoops Apocalypse, is much more common, and has some good moments (such as the hilariously incompetent S.W.A.T. team), but doesn’t measure up to the original. It was written by the same people, but the story was changed completely. The movie involves a female president (Loretta Swit), a kidnapped Diana-like princess (instead of the Shah subplot), and Michael "Cosmo Kramer" Richards in the John Cleese role (the only character to appear in both the series and the movie). It’s not much fun, so hold out for the TV series instead. If you can find it, that is.
Perhaps the time has come to give this neglected gem a belated DVD release. Until then – I have it and you don’t! Nyaah, nyaah! Um… Merry Christmas. |
Copyright ©2005 FFWD. All rights reserved.