| I've had at least three relationships break up right before Christmas.
In retrospect, it was much better to have ended things before the festivities – none of these pairings would have made it through. And better to go Christmas alone than find yourself trying to explain to your folks why your little-bit-too-jolly date is coming on to your little sister. So those of you who feel sorry for yourself because you have no one to do the mistletoe mambo with or get inappropriate gifts from, take heart.
Those of you heading into the holidays à deux, take this quiz to see if your relationship will survive.
Your baby's idea of a great Christmas gift is:
a) His and Hers matching doorstoppers.
b) A romantic weekend away and a nude self-portrait.
c) Waiting until after Christmas "when everything's on sale" to get your gift.
You spent way more than your honey did on a present:
a) Tell him you understand he must not have realized you were giving each other all your presents now and that he no doubt has your other presents at home.
b) Feel confident that next year it'll be better – and besides, it's the thought that counts.
c) He resells your gift on Ebay at a profit.
One of you isn't Christian... how do you celebrate the holidays?
a) Say you'd be happy to celebrate Christmas, but only if afterwards, your honey spends New Year's with you at a Zen retreat where he or she must give up all worldly possessions and chant for eight hours a day.
b) Light the menorah and spin the dreidel for a few hours before exchanging gifts on Christmas morning.
c) Your date tells you to get over it. She’s not about to let a little thing like someone else's religion spoil her holiday.
You catch your date smooching someone under the mistletoe at the office party:
a) Conveniently "run" into the smoochee in the bathroom and start complaining about how much of a drag your holiday is going to be because your sweetie – "yeah, that's right, the one you were kissing" – has mono.
b) Ask if you can be next.
c) You dropkick both of them and when they fall to the floor, they start dry humping.
You go shopping together for something for your mothers:
a) You give yourselves a time limit and head to the mall and end up leaving with two pairs of Isotoner slippers.
b) You spend a wonderful afternoon looking for just the right thing and finally settle on gifts you both agree will be perfect for each of them.
c) Your honey suggests you start at the sex shop.
Christmas with your date's family is:
a) An organizational nightmare that ends up being an exercise in seeing who you can piss off the most as you try to fit in visits to all four sets of parents because both your parents are divorced.
b) Better than Christmas with your own family.
c) Like having a Christmas tree, ornaments and all, shoved up your butt.
You're both totally stressed out about the holidays, how do you deal with it?
a) He asks you if you have PMS. You ask him if he'd like to go for a walk – by himself.
b) You let each other vent, then run a nice hot bath, crack open a bottle of wine and open the box of chocolates meant for someone else and feed them to each other with your toes.
c) Cyanide.
Holiday cheer means what to your date?
a) Going out for drinks with his friends, while you finish up the Christmas shopping.
b) Sharing a special bottle of wine you've been saving all year for the holiday.
c) A six-pack, a bottle of J.D. and several lines of blow.
Decorating the tree together gives you the opportunity to:
a) Eventually get the job done, but not without arguing over differing tinsel-hanging techniques, and having one of you say, "Fine, do it yourself then!" and plunking down on the couch to drink wine while continuing to criticize the other's tree-trimming.
b) Bond over your similar taste in decorating while you string popcorn and share warm, fuzzy memories of tree decorating as a child.
c) Find out how neat glass Christmas ornaments sound when they pop when hitting the wall because you missed your honey's head when his constant whining about what a waste of time this all is finally makes you snap.
What best describes the relationship you have with your date's family?
a) They welcome you, but constantly make references to your date's last love and how much they miss him or her and wish they were still together.
b) They treat you like a member of the family and often give you better presents than they give your date.
c) They ask you to wait in the car while they give their son or daughter their gifts.
Your mom buys your date a really ugly sweater for Christmas. You:
a) Force your honey to wear it and then giggle maniacally every time he does.
b) Wear it to bed that night with nothing underneath.
c) Come across it later in a bucket full of rags your date uses to clean the floor.
If you answered mostly "a," er, passive aggressive much? Hide any sharp objects and you two might just make it through.
If you answered mostly "b," dust off your copy of It's a Wonderful Life and warm up some rum and cider. You guys will make everyone sick with your holiday bliss.
If you answered mostly "c," get out now and use the money you were gonna spend on your date to invest in some therapy.
Happy holidays and good luck!
WINNER
Congratulations to Twyla M., the winner in our "Joy to the World" cocktail contest, who – along with many, many of you – sent in the correct ingredients:
1 1/2 oz. anejo rum
1/2 oz. bourbon whisky
1/2 oz. dark crème de cacao
Stir in a shaker half-filled with ice and then strain into a glass.
Twyla can enjoy her cocktail while reading her copy of Merry XXXmas Erotica and The Best of the Best Women’s Erotica and The Best of the Best Lesbian Erotica, all from Cleis Press. Thanks to all who entered! |
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