| I get very excited about Christmas. I hate the mall and yes, I think it unjust that one religion foists its holiday upon everyone else. But Christmas is the one time of year I know I’ll get to while away at least one entire weekday afternoon masturbating.
Yes, it’s time for MMB’s XXXmas sex toy review, a chance for me to test-drive some of the newest sex toys so you can decide what to leave under the tree for that naughty someone on your list.
You gotta love a sex toy company that calls itself Fun Factory and carries vibrators with names like Freaky Fritz and Dinky Digger. The German company’s toys are made from silicone and come in such vibrant colours and funky designs, you may be tempted to display them on your coffee table.
I got my hands on their LAYAspot ($69.95), a fortune-cookie shaped waterproof vibe that you, well, lay on your spot. Unlike other vibes shaped "to comfortably form to the natural contour of her body," the LAYAspot has a more intense, yet pleasantly dispersed vibration, when you can get it to high speed. Which can be a little tricky. Like many vibes these days, the LAYAspot has variable speeds and pulse patterns as well. But because this vibe only has two buttons – one for "on" and one you keep pushing to reach the different levels – it’s a bit of a crapshoot finding the different pulsations and speed. Which is why when I found full-speed ahead, I stayed put and had a great ride. The round smooth tip of the device is perfect for dipping at the moment of truth.
The "travel size" I Rub My Duckie ($28.95) is perfect for the gal who’s not comfy having airport security discover her Pearl Rabbit (though she may have to explain why an adult woman has to travel with her rubber duckie). It also looks perfectly innocent sitting on the side of your tub. Visiting relatives will be none the wiser. The Duckie’s one-speed vibration is a little too diffused for my liking and, while its tail proved most effective, it was a little disturbing having its sad little Duckie eyes staring at me. Still, the Duckie will definitely make bathtime much more fun.
I was looking forward to test-driving the Impulse Hyper Sonic G ($95) because Chanelle Gallant, the fabulous manager at Good For Her, told me she’s smitten with it. Her staff even renamed it (can you blame them?) the Impulse Bumble G, after its cute bumble bee shape complete with G-spot-reaching stinger. One is meant to attach the elastic straps around your thighs and waist, holding the "bee" in place, stinger inside and antennae against your clit. But they mostly just chafed and cut off circulation and then got in the way when I decided to go strap-free. The battery pack, which features the aforementioned variable speed and pulse settings (displayed more clearly than on the LAYAspot), clips on (to what? your earlobe?) for "hands-free" operation. Of course, you still need your hands to operate the buttons. Anyway, I tried this little guy upside down, sideways and backwards and didn’t achieve much more than a vibrating crotch. I suppose you could wear it around the house and make housework more interesting.
Canada’s "Salty Grandmother" of sex (the Globe and Mail’s words, not mine), Sue Johansen now has her own line of toys, which I was looking forward to trying since she regularly test drives toys and should know what makes a good one. After trying her Royal Rabbit ($46), I was impressed. The toy is reasonably priced compared to other silicone toys. The silicone phallic-shaped vibe has seven levels of vibration, pulsation and escalation (though all these fancy vibrator speeds are starting to give me the same feeling I get at Starbucks, where I long for the days of small, medium and large) and a little ball-shaped end that worked better against my clit than the rather unstimulating bunny-shaped clit stimulator.
It may not be new, but I’m embarrassed to admit I’ve never tried one, so I figured it was high time I test-drove a Hitachi Magic Wand ($89.95). Often referred to as the Cadillac of all vibrators, this old classic is more like the jackhammer of all vibrators. Or maybe the Porsche, given it takes you from 0-60 in mere seconds. In fact, I think their slogan should be: Hitachi Magic Wand: Bringing you the three-second orgasm. Sure, the fact that it’s the size of a small baseball bat makes it not so sexy, but this sucker gets the job done (who says women can’t come as quickly as guys – we just need the right tool.) Plus, it’s a plug-in so no worrying about batteries dying at crucial moments. For those of you who find the industrial-strength vibration a little much (frankly, I was worried I was gonna knock the little guy right out of his canoe), available attachments diffuse the vibration.
Being the oral enthusiast I am, I was stoked about the Tongue Joy ($89.95), a tiny little steel vibrator that attaches to your partner’s tongue with an elasticized ring and saves on jaw muscle wear-and-tear. The Tongue Joy operates hands-free (and virtually silently) with a couple of watch batteries (included) or with a battery pack, which provides more powerful vibration but makes the toy sound a bit like a dental instrument. It even comes with a little barbell so you can attach it to a pierced tongue! Rubber sleeves are also included to soften the intensity.
Save for the occasional rattling when the toy hit his teeth, the Tongue Joy is, well, joyous. And bonus, if there isn’t a tongue around, you can use the smallest of the three elastic rings included and attach the vibe to your finger, creating your very own multi-speed, variable pulsation human finger toy.
All of the above toys are available through my website, joseyvogels.com, or through comeasyouare.com and goodforher.com.
Happy shopping! |
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