| Before moving on to today’s topic, I’d like to say a few words about the 1997 snowman-come-to-life movie Jack Frost. No, not the one with Michael Keaton returning from the dead to comfort his son (that was 1998). The 1997 Jack Frost is about a convicted serial killer who gets splashed by a truckload of top secret mutagenic acid and transforms into an unstoppable killer mutant snowman. The two flicks used to get mixed up at video stores a lot, which amuses me a great deal.
Jack Frost (the killer mutant one, I mean) is as gloriously stupid as you’d expect a horror movie about a wisecracking Styrofoam monster to be. Get some noisy friends together and try it out – if you don’t get a decent amount of hearty laughs, you’re a bad-movie lightweight.
One of the many (and I mean many) ridiculous things about this movie is its complete and utter failure to provide a winter setting. You know – snow. The stuff the killer mutant snowman is supposedly made out of. This flick contains the absolute least convincing fake snow ever witnessed in a major motion picture. There isn’t a single exterior shot in this film that won’t get big laughs from Canadians, or anybody else who’s ever actually seen snow. It looks like the filmmakers sprayed the ground with half a can of white aerosol and called it a day.
That wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the great big (non-living) snowmen plunked down in the midst of the half-millimetre-thick snowdrifts. The "snow" doesn’t even cover the entire area, just a patchy little zone in the middle of the shot, while green grass surrounds the characters from all sides.
The script makes constant reference to the supposedly chilly locale, but the dressed-for-spring actors continue to frolic through this counterfeit Winter Wonderland, tossing polystyrene snowballs as birds chirp happily in the green trees, and rubber icicles wave gently in the warm California breeze.
But enough about that. Let’s move on to winter movies that actually feel like winter. The isolation, the ennui, the cold – these are the movies that give you an imaginary chill across your shoulder blades. You might want to wait until spring to watch them, though.
· Fargo (1996) – A truly outstanding film from the Coen brothers, this "homespun murder story" perfectly captures the chill of a Minnesota winter. Whether it’s Frances McDormand’s weary announcement "Prowler needs a jump!" or William H. Macy losing his temper while scraping a car windshield, we always get the feeling we’re dealing with hardy people accustomed to real weather. Check out Peter Stormare’s long-underwear-with-hat-and-mittens ensemble during the woodchipper scene – precisely the kind of weird fashion statement you’ll find in snowy climes when unexpected chores bring lazy people outside. Then there’s the frustrated Steve Buscemi burying the ransom money, and angrily scanning the barren countryside for a landmark – any landmark – to signpost his cache. Classic. What else is there to say, other than "Oh Jeez!"
· The Great Silence (Il Grande Silenzio) (1968) – Possibly the coldest looking Spaghetti Western ever filmed, from the director of Django (1966). Some of the snow is fake, such as the shaving cream slathered over the set of the town – but lots of it is obviously real. Check out the incredible location shots in the mountains, like the scene in which a horse loses its footing while haunch-deep in the white stuff.
The chilly setting is essential to the plot. As refugees huddle in the mountains, desperate for food and shelter, a lawman falls through a crack in a frozen lake, and a ruthless bounty hunter (Klaus Kinski) merrily stores his dead victims in the snow to preserve their freshness. A downbeat masterpiece, The Great Silence cynically subverts the clichés of the Western genre, providing a harrowing one-of-a-kind viewing experience.
· Never Cry Wolf (1983) – If ever a film was tailor-made for a list of winter isolation movies, this adaptation of Farley Mowat’s novel is it. Charles Martin Smith carries the day as Mowat stand-in "Tyler," left alone in the frozen north to study wolves. Forced to deal with frozen beer, useless equipment, cabin fever and an infestation of field mice, Tyler adapts rather admirably to his circumstances and makes some discoveries about nature – and about himself.
· The Thing (1982). John Carpenter’s remake of The Thing (From Another World) (1951) went unappreciated by critics upon release, but its excellence was always apparent to some, and it has grown in reputation to finally become a modern classic. Just as important as the incredible monster FX is the realistically frigid Antarctic setting in which the characters are trapped. Brrrrrr.
· The Gold Rush (1925) – A real winner of a silent comedy from Charlie Chaplin, who’s made more than a few. Watch for the scene in which Charlie and a buddy face starvation in an isolated cabin. They attempt to dine on boiled shoe, until Charlie starts looking like tasty poultry to his wild-eyed dinner companion. The inspiration for countless Warner Brothers cartoons in which Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam (or some other combination of characters) hallucinate that their companion has transformed into a big chocolate cake or something.
· Stranger Than Paradise (1984) – While certainly not the coldest looking winter movie around, this cult flick from Jim Jarmusch does a wonderful job of capturing the blank featureless nothingness of the season. A trio of likable losers travels from NYC to Cleveland to Florida, but always finds the same dull wasteland wherever they go. Much funnier and more interesting than a movie about nothing has any right to be.
For more winter chills, check out Cold Comfort (1989), Horror Express (1973), The Shining (1980), March of the Penguins (2005), Enemy at the Gates (2001), Bear Island (1979), Survive! (1976), Alive (1993) and Storm of the Century (1999). Now go and have some hot chocolate. |
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