| Christmas quickly approaches, and it's looking like this year's yuletide festivities will be invaded by the propaganda that inevitably accompanies an election campaign. There’s a good chance that Christmas 2005 will be the season of spin, good cheer and more spin. Understandably, many Canadians aren't thrilled about having little elves representing Stephen Harper, Jack Layton and Paul Martin banging on their doors on Christmas Eve, so here are a few ideas for both the politicians and the voters to help make the idea of a winter election campaign more palatable to all Canadians.
EGGNOG AT THE POLLS
There is always the issue of voter apathy. Many believe Canadians are less likely to vote in the middle of winter than in the summer. Apparently, walking through a bit of snow and cold to vote isn’t worth the effort. To counter this laziness, the government could buy all of the eggnog and Christmas goodies that didn’t sell by December 25, and then offer them to voters as rewards after they’ve cast their ballots. Those who don’t vote don’t get to partake in the post-election feast. Bribery? Perhaps, but since when have the Liberals shied away from that kind of thing?
VOTE OUT ANDERS
The laudable grassroots campaign to get Conservative MP Rob Anders booted from Parliament never succeeded last year, but a winter election gives the residents of Calgary West a chance to redeem themselves. Voter apathy shouldn’t be an issue here – for many, the very fact that Anders is still representing them in Parliament should motivate them to brave sub-zero temperatures and vote for someone else, eggnog or no eggnog. Just remember the "Nelson Mandela is a terrorist" comment and you’ll stay hot under the collar all the way to the polling station.
PARTY CANDYCANES
Instead of distributing the usual buttons and stickers, candidates should hand out candycanes with their party colours. The only downside to this is that it would give the Liberals an unfair advantage, as every traditional red-and-white candycane could be viewed as a Liberal advertisement. But thankfully for the Conservatives, those blue candycanes have become more popular in recent years. The NDP, however, might have trouble finding green-and-orange canes. As for the Green Party, they can hand out boughs of holly or perhaps wreaths.
HARPER THE ELF
Candidates should don festive dress for all-candidates meetings. Again, if they were all to dress up as Santa Claus, the Liberals would have an unfair advantage because of the colour situation. It might be better to make each of the candidates wear some of those goofy reindeer antlers or have them dress up as elves. Just picture Stephen Harper in green tights and a funny hat – that might be even better than his infamous Calgary Stampede outfit. (Mind you, many of the Conservative candidates in Calgary will probably avoid the embarrassment of dressing up as anything unusual, since they don’t go to all-candidates meetings anyways – even when there’s a normal dress code.)
NO TV DEBATE
If the party leaders really love Canada as much as they say they do, they won’t put us through the misery of another televised debate. The country's collective intellect is still reeling from the idiocy of the last one. Cancelling the debate could be the leaders’ Christmas gift to Canada, and one that would be very gratefully received. The last thing Canadians need to hear while they’re preparing Christmas turkey is Ramblin’ Jack Layton yapping like a little white terrier in the background.
SINGING FOR VOTES
Instead of canvassing for votes and delivering their usual boring spiels, candidates and their volunteers could serenade voters with songs of good cheer, even breaking into three- or four-part harmonies. With some creativity, their songs could be even more effective then their straightforward proselytizing. Think about it. The Conservatives could sing: "O little town of Ottawa, how oft thy leaders lie." The Liberals could answer back: "Hark! the Harper heralds bring, ways to ruin everything." And the NDP (to the tune of Deck the Halls): "To heck with all of Martin’s folly…. We helped him once but now we’re sorry." Not that I’m advocating the desecration of Christmas music – I’m just saying that if politicians are going to be banging on our doors to win our votes, they might as well make it enjoyable to listen to. |
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