| I asked for your losing-it stories and the response was overwhelming. So, this week and next I’ll run a few of the stories I think offer insight into the kinds of foundations upon which we all build our sex lives in this culture (published anonymously, of course, and edited for length and clarity).
So, here they are: the good, the bad and the Godly (who knew so many Christians read my column?). Of course, ladies first:
· "I was a 30-year-old virgin on my wedding night. Because we knew we were committed to each other, the failure of the first encounter was disappointing but not devastating to either of us, because we knew we could always try again tomorrow. A decade later, sex is still improving. Friends my age who don’t share this exclusive view of sex are very disillusioned with sex and don’t have fulfilling sex lives in their marriages. Waiting until marriage does save you from most of the emotional complications and physical consequences."
· "I lost my virginity when I was 15. I had been dating a guy for awhile and, to be honest, the sex was OK. I was basically comfortable with the whole experience until my sister (who is two years older and considers herself responsible for me because my mom is no longer around) stepped in. She believed girls who had sex were sluts. I was grounded and everyone in our community – including my boss and all her older, cooler friends – knew about it. My boyfriend and I split up and I was so self-conscious about the whole thing I didn't have sex again for two years. The word ‘slut’ played over and over in my mind. No one should have to go through what I went through."
· "I was raised Christian and believed sex was for marriage and that I would sleep with only one guy my whole life. At 27, I moved to a new city on the other side of the country and things got hot and heavy one night with this guy I liked and, next thing I knew, we were both naked and he was putting on a condom. We tried having sex, but it hurt and I wasn't ready. Five days later we went all the way and it actually felt pretty good. I cried afterwards because I felt guilty and worried no one else would want me now that I was ‘spoiled.’ Five months later, we are still together and still having sex. I still feel guilty and worry about emotional damage, but, at this point, I know I couldn't say no to sex with my boyfriend – I enjoy it too much."
· "I was 21 and considered myself a sexual being in every way, except I wasn't having sex. I decided I was mature enough to finally try ‘it.’ At a party, I singled out a guy I knew I wouldn’t see again and asked him if he wanted to ‘Rock the Kasbah.’ During the ‘event,’ I remember thinking, ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’ and ‘If I was masturbating I would have come half an hour ago.’ Afterwards, I thought, ‘So that was sex. Hmm. I feel OK, I guess... no wait... what is this I feel? I feel... I feel like a dirty rotten skank! Perhaps I missed out on a crucial aspect of sexual pleasure – that is, actually giving a damn about the person."
· "I always thought that you should be in love and never do it before the six-month mark. Silly little rules that didn’t make sense. Fortunately, I do whatever I damn well please and, at 19, I decided it was time to do the deed with a guy I had just started dating. I loved it! I remember shedding a few tears right after, not out of regret or shame, more because it was sad saying goodbye to an old familiar friend. But life moves on and it's one less thing to worry about. I'm 26 now and still looking for ‘Mr. Wonderful,’ but if I was still waiting to lose my virginity to him? Yikes!"
· "I’m in my early 60s and am amazed we are still discussing the value of virginity for girls. What have we been fighting for all these women’s liberation years? I lost my virginity at 18 to a guy on a warm summer night in a field under the moonlight (I’m not making this up. It wasn’t very romantic, just two curious, horny people getting it on)."
· "My parents left me home alone at 16. I, of course, threw a house party, got really drunk and jumped my boyfriend. It was terrible. He was terrible. Long afterwards I found out he told everyone that there was no way I was a virgin because I was not as tight as a virgin should be."
· "I ‘gifted’ my virginity at the age of 15 to the man who would become my husband 10 years later. The first time was clumsy, messy, incomplete and painful. It only got better after that. Now, two husbands later and in my late 40s, sex is better than ever – when I have the right partner."
· "I lost my virginity when I was 14, and my boyfriend was 13. He’d been at camp and I thought it would be a nice homecoming present. I'd been viciously raped some six months earlier, but don't remotely consider that losing my virginity. I didn't have sex. He did. I’d known my boyfriend since he was 10. He seemed flabbergasted I wanted to have sex. I was flabbergasted when he told me he'd been with eight other women already. (Years later, he confessed I was also his first.) I remember him asking if it was in. For years I had a complex about having a loose vagina, when really, he was 13 and I’m sure the equipment matched! Still, I felt very happy and connected to him and we are still friends to this day. I don't regret it one bit." |
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