| Dear Josey:
I have a lot of cellulite on my butt and thighs and it makes me self-conscious during sex. I can’t stand being seen naked and refuse to do it with the lights on. I’ve seen a lot of ads for expensive products claiming to reduce cellulite. Do you know if any of these products work? Is there anything else I can do to battle the bumpy bulges?
Tired of the Ripple Effect
Dear Tired,
As Jennifer Axen and Leigh Phillips write in their book, The Stripper’s Guide to Looking Great Naked (Chronicle), "The only way to obtain the smooth, undimpled, perfectly lofted rear you see in magazines is to invest in photo-editing software."
And you know how sensitive these boys get when you bring extra hardware into bed. Imagine hauling in software.
Rest assured – according to The Stripper’s Guide, 87 per cent of all women ages 16 to 45 report having visible cellulite and the authors speculate the other 10 per cent are in denial. "The remaining three per cent we simply hate," they write.
Women are genetically programmed to store fat in our butts and thighs. I know, lucky us. But it’s part of the whole baby-making deal we’re dealt whether we squeeze out any of the little buggers or not.
I have to admit, as I approach my wonder years, I too find myself being seduced by cellulite cream ads that suddenly seem to be everywhere, taunting me with their air-brushed butts and disturbingly smooth thighs. Even the curvy women of Dove’s real beauty campaign seem to appear lump-free thanks to the miracle of "firming cream."
Save your money, say Axen and Phillips. The main ingredient in these creams is caffeine, so, instead, try an old trick used by one of the strippers they interviewed. Lay newspaper on the bathroom floor and rub the grinds from your morning coffee (no decaf) into trouble spots using a circular motion. Wrap your legs in plastic wrap and take a rolling pin to them. Apparently, this exfoliates and helps the caffeine seep into the skin where it, I dunno, wakes up your fat cells. Rinse and repeat a couple times a week.
Sounds like a lot of work to me, but knock yourself out.
Besides, who am I to question a gal who has to wave her butt inches from guys’ faces for a living? Then again, in that case, or in most cases where a guy is faced with a naked butt, cellulite probably isn’t the first thing on his mind.
Dear Josey,
I've seen remote control vibrators and like the idea of having such power over a woman at the flick of a switch. I fear, however, these work better in theory. What do you know about these toys?
Dear Remote,
I fear your fear is correct. The most popular wireless remote control vibrator on the market is the Vibrating Panty. At about $115 (available at www.comeasyouare.com), the fake leather thong has a front pocket that holds a bullet vibrator, which can be operated remotely from as far away as 20 feet.
The problem is, the vibrator is fairly loud, so buzzing your honey at a dinner party might raise some eyebrows. Also, just having something vibrating in your crotch area doesn’t make a gal come. She'll have to press the bullet against herself at just the right spot to climax. Again, shoving your hands into your crotch at a dinner party is usually frowned upon. So, it's not quite the hands-free, look-honey-I'm-on-the-other-side-of-the-room-getting-you-off thrill one imagines. The other thing is that the remote control doesn't discriminate. Anyone in the room wearing the undies can be controlled by your remote. Which, I suppose, would be a hell of a way to introduce yourself.
Dear Josey.
My wife claims I always achieve orgasm 17 seconds too soon. She says she doesn’t want to be a life-support system for my premature and selfish climax. Could I fake orgasm so she doesn't feel she is always getting the short end of the stick? Don't suggest accessorizing our love making. She's so not into toys.
Looking for the Fake Thing
Dear Looking,
Maybe your wife should stop looking at her watch and focus instead on having a good time. And, while it’s frustrating that you come before she does, her comment about being tired of being a life-support system for your pathetic excuse of a human being (well, she might as well have said that) is a little harsh. Remember people – even children need positive encouragement in order to learn. As for your solution, how exactly is faking going to solve your problem? I understand if things are dragging on and he wants to duck out early – in fact, according to a Cosmo survey, 83 percent of guys say they’ve faked it because they were too stressed, tired or drunk to finish the job – but I don’t see it helping you if you’re too quick on the draw.
What might help is spending more time getting her to the brink (good old-fashioned fingers and a tongue are all the toys you need for that), so when you go in for a dip, she’s already come. She’ll still be feeling good so you won’t have to hold back.
Also, nothing says that once you’re in, you gotta stay. Switch it up: A few thrusts, some fingers and tongue, a few more thrusts. There are plenty of books, videos, workshops and, er, columns to aid your technique. And while you’re reading, watching or, heck, even waiting for the bus, do your Kegels. Squeezing your PC muscles – the ones that you’d use to stop the flow while peeing – will help control your orgasm.
To those ladies wondering? Just like us. Only, guys don’t have to put on as big a show. A few grunts, pull out, grab the condom (yes, it’s easier to fake it with a rubber on) and toss it aside. Who’s gonna sift through the garbage to check? |
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