| One of the more peculiar and alarming news stories this week concerns toads in Germany exploding for no known reason. I’m not making this up, folks – 1,000 toads have swelled up to 3.5 times their normal size and popped like slimy balloons, their entrails shooting out up to one metre away from their ruptured little green bodies. The affected site is now known as "the pond of death" and has been closed to the public, although the problem now seems to be spreading to Denmark. Scientists are reportedly baffled. (Don’t you just love it when scientists are baffled?) What is causing the toads of Hamburg to go kablooey?
Readers are encouraged to come up with their own theories. I’ve done it – it’s fun! One obvious hypothesis is that a mad scientist is developing an army of genetically engineered detonating amphibians in a particularly goopy bid for world domination. Just think of the demoralizing effect such a tactic would have on foot soldiers. ("Sarge, I’ve got goo all over me. Can I be excused?")
Hypothesis number two is that there’s a really tough fly out there who knows kung fu. We’re talking the Sonny Chiba of flies, here. While he’s buzzing around minding his own business, a toad shoots out its tongue and eats him. Fly Chiba just karate chops his way out of the stupid toad and continues on, only to be eaten by another toad, and so on. Hiyaaaa! Splat! Bzzzzzz…. Gulp! Hiyaaaa! Etc.
Anyway, back in Hamburg, appalled locals have been describing the scene as being like something out of a science-fiction movie. I agree – in fact, this story reminds me of several movies:
· Contamination (a.k.a Alien Contamination) (1980): When I think of explosions of slimy green goo, I think of this Italian slime extravaganza. An obvious rip-off of Alien (1979), this cheap splatter flick features a bunch of pulsing green alien pods that burst open and spray gloppy green slime on innocent onlookers. The toxic slime causes people to scream and explode, spraying blood and offal onto the horrified survivors. Chain reactions are common. Has Hamburg’s "pond of death" been checked for alien pods? Hmmm… I wonder.
· The Reflecting Skin (1990): This fascinating and downbeat Canadian cult film begins with a notorious scene of child cruelty towards a frog. Some giggling kids find the hapless amphibian by the side of the road and inflate it like a balloon by inserting a straw up the poor creature’s fundament. When a passerby takes a closer look, one of the kids shoots the frog with a slingshot and it explodes. Blat!
Here again, we have one possible explanation for the problem in Germany, although the method is rather slow. Let’s face it, Canada’s antiquated method of frog-splattery is nothing compared to Germany’s superior genetically engineered croaking blastomorphs. If we don’t start giving our troubled kids better toad-busting equipment, we’ll never catch up.
· Freaked (1993): Alex Winter (the other guy from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure) co-wrote, co-directed, and starred in this under-appreciated cult comedy. It’s overflowing with grotesquely freakish characters, one of which is a warty guy named Toad, who can snatch airplanes out of the sky with his giant tongue. (He eats them and spits out the propellers.) While fighting the good guys, Toad accidentally swallows a lit firecracker. He manages to croak one final line, "Shiiiiiiiiiit," before exploding.
· X-Men (2000): Another freaky mutant named Toad (played by Ray "Darth Maul" Park) appears in this summer blockbuster and meets a similarly undignified fate. Plus, he meets it after what is possibly the most loudly booed line in recent memory. "Do you know what happens to a toad when it’s struck by lightning?" asks Storm (Halle Berry). "The same thing that happens to everything else." Zap!
· Fist of the North Star (1986): The hero in this splattery anime has the ability to hit his enemies’ "nerve points," causing them to explode messily a few seconds later. Perhaps this technique is the one used by that Sonny Chiba fly that’s been hanging around Germany….
Scanners (1981): Canadian auteur David Cronenberg’s complex themes are here as always, but gorehounds will always remember this as "the exploding head movie." Psychic powers have been in popular fiction for ages, but the mental ability to make your enemies’ heads go pop was a new one, and it really caught on with moviegoers. Is a renegade "scanner" wreaking his horrible toady vengeance in Hamburg? Aieeeeee!
· O Brother, Where Art Thou (2000): "We thought you was a toad." "What?!?" "We… thought… you… was… a… toad." Ha ha ha hee! I love this movie.
· Cane Toads (1988): It’s weird documentary time. This unforgettable 47-minute flick tells the true story of how Australia became infested with fat, ugly, disgusting cane toads. They were brought in from Hawaii to counter a pest problem, but instead of eating cane grubs like they were supposed to, they multiplied like crazy and became a huge ecological problem and general nuisance. Whatever it is that’s in Hamburg’s "pond of death," Australia needs it badly.
· The Triplets of Belleville (2003): This delightfully strange animated musical shows sweet little old ladies blowing up frogs the old-fashioned way – with hand grenades. Specifically, German-made potato-masher style Stielhandgranates. No, you just can’t beat the Germans for handheld anti-amphibian weaponry. |
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