| So, um... yeah. Civilization is gone. Dunno if you noticed. Packs of mutant werewolves run unchecked through the broken streets, preying on the innocent, while gangs of musclemen with mohawks stand up in their speeding dune buggies, laughing at all the pain and destruction they've caused. The sky looks like it's been fingerpainted, and pale, skeletal figures reach up at you feebly as you zoom by on your souped-up atomic scooter.
How did the world get like this? Glad you asked. I'll explain the whole, wretched story with a 20-second multimedia presentation, featuring lots of vague, humourless text scrolling over desert landscapes. They do it in the movies all the time.
By way of example, here is a brief sampling of various post-apocalyptic films and the prefaces that kick them off.
· Rats: Night of Terror (1984): You really can't get much more generic than the opening preface to this notorious turkey from Italian director Bruno Mattei. An aerial view of a desert plays background to the scrolling text, which is also read aloud by a narrator for the benefit of illiterate audience members. We learn that in 2015 "The insensitivity of Man finally triumphs and hundreds of atomic bombs devastate all five continents…" etc. etc. Survivors hole up underground. Then, 100 years later, a bunch of them get sick of living underground and come right back up again. Our story begins in (drum roll please) 225 AB (After the Bomb).
Having set up this premise, Mattei promptly flings it out the window. We see nothing of this abandoned underground cabal until the film's hilarious twist at the end. Instead, we watch a grungy motorcycle gang move into an abandoned stronghold, where they fight off wave after wave of killer rats. A longtime favourite of bad-movie buffs, this one's almost adorably stupid.
· The Man Who Saves the World (a.k.a. Dunyayi kurtaran adam a.k.a. Turkish Star Wars) (1982): While the preface for Rats was short and glib, the intro to this Turkish catastrophe is outrageously long and insane. It's also illegal, as footage from Star Wars (1977) is played over and over again, in direct violation of copyright laws. TIE fighters and X-wings zoom by. Then they zoom by backwards. Then they approach the Death Star. Then they back away from the Death Star. Then we see footage from an early Apollo mission, for some reason. More TIE fighters. Stormtroopers pushing buttons. A guy in a cardboard helmet. A... wait a minute! Back that up!
Yes indeedy, that really is a guy in a cardboard helmet. Just wait, it gets worse. Our two heroes show up before the narrator even finishes telling us what the hell is going on. The budget doesn't allow for any spaceship cockpits, so we just see these guys’ heads superimposed over all this Star Wars footage and we're supposed to believe that they're piloting spaceships or something. OK, only the footage behind them keeps cutting to different angles, some of which are interior shots of more stormtroopers pushing buttons. How the hell did that happen? Never mind, just keep watching and be prepared for anything. This might just be the stupidest movie on the face of the Earth.
So, the visuals of this intro are wild enough, even if us non-Turkish-speaking audiences can't follow the narration. If you're lucky enough to have the subtitled version, it's even weirder. According to the subtitles, Earth became a peaceful utopia, and then suddenly became endangered by "Crazy nuclear armament…. Not a single force had been able to destroy the Earth; however, in some cases the Earth had been disintegrated into parts," explains the schizophrenic narration. Disintegrated into parts? Geez, they make it sound like it's no big deal.
Over the course of mere seconds, it's explained that the not-really-destroyed Earth got destroyed a few more times, before we finally said enough is enough and built a giant planetary defence shield out of human brains.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "That's gotta be some kind of metaphor for human ingenuity and know-how, right? They didn't actually construct the shield out of grey matter, did they?" I thought the same thing. But no, they keep insisting that the shield is made from 100 per cent USDA-approved Grade A human brain matter. In fact, the only weapons capable of penetrating this shield would also have to be made out of brains. Yeah. Totally. So now, the evil bad guys are desperately trying to acquire a human brain to make into a super-weapon. Y'see, the "enemies of Earth in Galaxy did not have brains." Good Lord. Head swimming.… Movie premise too absurd… can't... breathe..
· Fist of the North Star (1986): Maybe it's just because this animated movie was pieced together from a long-running TV series, but the intro is woefully inadequate at explaining things. This world is populated by superhuman musclemen who don't even flinch when buildings fall on them. Why? Because a series of cataclysms shook the world and now only the strongest survive. There, it all makes sense now. You wanna ask questions, or do you wanna see some heads explode? I thought so.
· Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000): Yippee, more text! Here we're told that the year is 3000 AD. It’s a handy little nugget of information, particularly if you neglected to read the title of the film. Then we're told that man is an endangered species. Evil alien Psychlos attacked us 1,000 years ago (in the year 2000? Egad!) and obliterated most of the population. Man is an endangered species. We've been slaves of the Psychlos for a millenium. Also, man is an endangered species. The Psychlos value gold and have been strip-mining our planet for it all this time and still haven't got it all. By the way, man is an endangered species now. The few remaining free humans live in radiated areas and are now on the verge of extinction. Oh yeah, just FYI, man is totally an endangered species, like, seriously. Cue John Travolta, wearing evil dreadlocks and laughing like a prat. Heh. Heh. Heh.
· Highlander II: The Quickening (1991): It's August, 1999, and in a few months the ozone layer will be completely gone. Bummer. Fortunately a crack team of scientists, led by Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) is here to save the day! MacLeod isn't really a scientist per se, but he starred in the previous movie, which makes him the perfect choice to, um, to, er... no, you shut up! I'm talking here!
MacLeod and friends construct a big shield that completely protects us from the sun. Gee, won't that have adverse effects on living conditions? You bet. It makes everything hot and humid! ’Cause... ’cause the sun can't... you know... um. Hot and humid! Who could live like that?
So we're all saved from skin cancer, 25 years go by and now MacLeod is an old man. That's exciting, isn't it? Isn't it? Finally, the title Highlander II: The Quickening appears onscreen, telling us the name of the movie we've been watching for the last 11 minutes. At this point, all the crestfallen fans of the original film are sitting there dazed, wondering if they should leave now. Yes, they should. |
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