| Hiyaaa! One of the secrets to being a good kung-fu fighter is the element of surprise. Try doing weird things like jumping over a house or shooting lightning bolts from your hands. Your foe won’t expect that.
Of the many, many kung-fu battles I’ve witnessed in movies and TV, here are a few of the tricks that stand out most in my memory:
· Yanking your opponent’s head off with a complex throwing device designed specifically for that purpose – Flying Guillotine (1974).
· Barfing caustic yellow slime all over your opponent – Ninja Wars (1982).
· Using Yogic superpowers to stretch your arms to about four feet long and fighting from a distance – Master of the Flying Guillotine (1975).
· Demonstrating one’s toughness by shouting "Hi-Keeba!" and hitting oneself in the head – Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966). Later this was immortalized as a Mystery Science Theater 3000 catchphrase.
· Deflecting policemen’s bullets back at them via dangly little spinning ninja stars hanging from your fingers on strings – The Lost Empire (1983).
· Pummelling your foe with piston-like blows for several seconds; then stopping and standing there, watching him explode a few seconds later – Fist of the North Star TV series (1984-1987). In fact, this was the hero’s primary means of dealing with bad guys.
· Yanking off a monster’s arms and then impaling it with them – the Turkish Star Wars ripoff The Man Who Saves The World (1982).
· Putting a ninja throwing star between one’s toes and then flinging it into the neck of an unsuspecting helicopter pilot… in mid-flight – Ninja III: The Domination (1985).
· Inflating oneself like a balloon… and then popping – Big Trouble in Little China (1986).
· Acting like a drunk – Drunken Master (1978).
· Acting like a monkey – Mad Monkey Kung Fu (1979).
· Acting like a drunk monkey – Drunken Monkey (2002).
· "Dealing" death by throwing razor-sharp playing cards – City Hunter (1993).
· Wrapping oneself with surgical rubber tubing before going into battle, then bouncing your way to victory – Crack Shadow Boxers (1979).
· Leaping inside your foe and rewriting his "program," causing him not to exist –The Matrix (1999).
· Foiling your foe’s plans by cutting off your own head with your magic fingernails – Ninja Wars (1982).
· Strangling your foe with your own intestines – Archangel (1990) and Story of Ricky (1991).
· Leaping off your sister’s shoulders, pirouetting in mid-air and slam-dunking a sword into the top of a gorilla’s head – The Shaolin Invincibles (1977).
· Flattening entire villages with your gale-force breath – The Sword and the Dragon (1956).
· Blasting away with machine guns, despite the fact you are dressed as a ninja – Ninja Mission (1984).
· "Energy Absorption Stance!" Grabbing your foe’s head and magically sucking all the… oh, I dunno, "energy" out of them, leaving them flattened like a deflated balloon – Swordsman II, a.k.a. Legend of the Swordsman (1991).
· Releasing your army of loyal killer wasps from their home in your hive-shaped back – Ninja Scroll (1995).
· Wearing spikes on your back and leaping backwards onto your foe – Taoism Drunkard, a.k.a. Drunken Wu-Tang (1983).
· Wearing spikes on your shoes and dropping onto your foe from the rafters – Die Laughing (1980).
· Wearing spikes on your elbows and jabbing your foe to death – Guyver (1991).
· Walking around on your hands and hitting people with your head – Fight for Survival (1977).
· Unleashing your deadly, life-size, fire-breathing kung-fu marionette to do your fighting for you – Shaolin Drunkard, a.k.a. Wu-Tang Master (1983).
· Slicing your foe’s feet off at the ankles with blades hidden in your baby carriage – Shogun Assassin (1980).
· Lassoing your foe’s ankles together and dragging him down five flights of stairs – Time and Tide (2000).
· Doing the splits in order to punch your enemy in the crotch – Mortal Kombat (1995).
· Flicking a teensy little sewing needle at your foe, causing horrific damage – Swordsman II, a.k.a. Legend of the Swordsman (1991).
· Slapping enemies around with your giant tongue – The Shaolin Invincibles (1977).
· Defeating dozens of attackers, thanks to your gymnastic skills and a handy rock formation shaped like a pommel horse – Gymkata (1985).
· Defeating dozens of attackers thanks to a nearby structure that looks alarmingly like parallel bars and your enemies predeliction for running at you one at a time in a predictable pattern – Lion Man (1975).
· Splitting oneself into three ninjas – Ninja In Action (1987).
· Launching killer snakes from your sleeves – Swordsman II, a.k.a. Legend of the Swordsman (1991).
· Standing there yelling, while animated lines fly around you, indicating that your strength is increasing – Dragonball Z (1996). In fact, this TV series consists of little else.
· Flying into battle astride a metal barrel, propelled by an exploding stick of dynamite – The Heroic Trio (1993).
· Detaching your head from your body, flying around and coughing up glittery little exploding disco balls at your foes – The Witch With Flying Head (1977). |
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