Review
HIDE AND SEEK
Starring Robert De Niro, Dakota Fanning and Famke Janssen
Directed by John Polson
Opens Friday, January 28
Check listings
This post-Christmas, pre-awards season classic is a favourite among lazy screenwriters and failing actors all over North America. The original version of this recipe seems to have been lost, but filmmakers (like chefs) have modified the dish to suit their own needs.
INGREDIENTS
· 1 creepy looking prepubescent female (Dakota Fanning)
· 1 dead mother (suicide victim is preferable)
· 1 imaginary friend
· 1 grieving widower (Robert De Niro)
· 1 dead cat
· 1 leaky bathtub
· 2 odd ball neighbors
· 1 lame catchphrase
DIRECTIONS
In an oversized house in the country, mix creepy kid and grieving widower. Add several mid-grade supporting players as "townsfolk" for small-town flavour.
Once dry ingredients are well mixed, fill tub with water, blood, mud and dead cat. Scrawl several accusatory phrases in crayon on the bathroom wall. Let sit.
While cat is decomposing, add creepy drawings of imaginary friend to dry mixture. Turn on moody lighting and drizzle with occasional nighttime rainstorm. To spice this dish up, whisk in a healthy dose of creaking doors that don’t stay shut and curtains that blow in the breeze. Violently add neighbours and shake until dry mixture is crumbling. Then add one well-meaning cop, a butcher knife and a shovel.
As you are preparing the meal, repeat catchphrase over and over again: "Come out, come out, wherever you are." It doesn’t add much to the recipe, but those who have made this dish before insist on this kind of thing.
Preheat oven to 250F. Place in a pan (a shallow one will do, trust me) and throw haphazardly into the oven for 90 minutes. You will know it is done when it starts to stink. Don’t worry if the temperature doesn’t seem hot enough or that Hide and Seek doesn’t seem done when you take it out – it’s supposed to be half-baked.
Hide and Seek is best served to tweens and teens or those who haven’t seen a horror movie in a decade. For best results, turn out lights and close eyes.
Enjoy – I dare you. |
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