| I’m just guessing, but I suspect that there’s a strong and positive correlation between the onset of a new year and an increase in dieting behaviour. And fair enough. But in addition to exercise and healthy eating, what else is out there to help people lose weight? I asked knowledgeable dieters and salespeople and then gathered up their touted "diet favourites." Heaped with bags of frozen and sealed individualized, indestructible packages, I wondered, "Is this what it’s like for cosmonauts to dine in space?"
I knew I needed help. The panel of "Tasters with Taste" was formed, comprised of individuals carefully selected for their diversity of backgrounds and employment. They were invited to the "Dinner of Diet Food," and instructed to bring their sensitive palates as well as their candour. Surprisingly, they all graciously accepted. Here’s the skinny on some of the diet foods that are out there.
Arriving first was the Make-up Artist. It was her exclamation that foreshadowed the common reaction: "Hey, your place smells like cardboard macaroni!" The rest of the Tasters arrived with various olfactory impressions of burning plastic, moist noodle and freshly bathed dog. Good thing I didn’t need to take this personally.
Strawberry Slim-Fast was served in a decanter as an aperitif-like teaser. This powder formula is intended as a meal replacement shake blended with milk. I found the Barbie-pink shade pleasing to the eye, but wondered aloud if anything this colour could be healthy.
"You’re right," said the Doctor of Traditional Chinese Medicine, studying the label. "Its chalky bouquet and chemical undertones suggest that this is not really food."
"Well, I’m reminded of the dental pill that checks for residual post-brushing plaque," said the Stressed-out Working Mom.
"And so very close to a barium dose," added the Film Director. "This would be weight loss due to abstinence."
Our appetizer was the Jenny Craig Cuisine of Creamy Potato with Roast Garlic Soup. Even though we heated and served the soup immediately, the product maintained its off-white and gelatinous appearance. "A bit pasty; much like over-whipped mashed potatoes," said the Lawyer. Meanwhile, I was reminded of Grade 6 art-class papier-mâché. Of the Jenny Craig Cuisine Chicken Fajitas, the Lawyer and Psychologist said in unison, "Airplane food!" Two others found that the best part of the dish was its salsa and sour cream accompaniments. Someone asked, "Should it shine like that?" Probably the Lawyer.
The Atkins Quick Quisine Pancake & Waffle Mix requires eggs, water and oil. They brown perfectly, effortlessly – suspiciously.
"This is not right," said the Stressed-out Working Mother, "this is an egg disguised as pancake!" The Psychologist: "Cardboard-ish edge to it, but I’d eat it as a treat."
Despite its unpleasant aftertaste, we all plowed through the Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine Meat Lasagna.
"Not bad," said the Make-up Artist, trying to be positive. "Nice portion size to take to work for lunch." The Film Director, chewing and thinking hard: "Is that licorice? I’m getting cherry licorice."
Tough crowd, this panel. Was anything redeemable going to emerge from my kitchen? The Weight Watchers Sweet and Sour Pork was the welcome favourite. "From scratch," if you will, these various ingredients were assembled and cooked in less than 20 minutes. The Paramedic wasn’t convinced. "The pork flavour is nice, as well as the pineapple and peppers. But this should just be called Pork, Pineapple and Peppers," he said. The Weight Watchers Pasta with Greens and Beans? We shall never speak of this again.
After the feast, we leaned back into the wreckage of mini-packaging to debrief the experience. Sipping Bija Hoodia Slimming Tea (which was good and settled our stomachs), we all acknowledged a twisted respect for regular eaters of this diet food. As well, several themes emerged. First, even though none of us have actually eaten cardboard, we’re now certain we know what it tastes like. Second, what actually counts as food tends to vary among individuals and by degree. And finally, each of us bloated, unsatisfied eaters remained in favour of a simple jog around the block and paying closer attention to what we put in our mouths. |
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