| Is wearing your hat a matter of life and death? Well, perhaps when you were a kid, your mother told you to wear your hat or you’d get the sniffles. In movies, however, the stakes are much higher. Read on for thrilling tales of adventure, death and hats.
· Naked Killer (1992): Now, this description is going to sound a little crazy to those of you who haven’t seen this film, so bear with me. Kitty, the gorgeous yet psychotic heroine (played by the luscious Chingmy Yau) is attempting to flee from an office building, having just barged in and killed a number of bad guys. To ward off the waves of smartly-dressed goons anxious to pop a cap in Kitty’s curvy ass, she grabs a demure-looking 40-year-old lady out of the waiting room and uses her as a hostage. Kitty makes her way to the parking garage, blasting henchmen as she goes, while Cindy the Hostage (Wai Yiu) gasps in wide-eyed shock, uttering the Cantonese equivelant of "Oh my!"
In her haste, Kitty stumbles down a flight of stairs. Her strength finally spent, she pleads with her captive to help her escape. Miss Cindy’s response surprises Kitty just as much as it surprises the audience: "Why didn’t you say so? Of course I’ll help!"
Cindy hoists her weakening kidnapper to her shoulder and boldly walks into the building’s multi-levelled parking garage. A large team of necktie-wearing henchmen descends on the duo and that’s when things get really wild. Before our eyes, we see former kidnapee Miss Cindy transform from a sweet little middle-aged lady into a whirling death machine. She flings a throwing knife into one guy and yanks him under the wheels of a speeding car with an attached rope. Then she impales the car’s driver with her high heel, skids across the roof of the still-moving vehicle and blasts away with two handguns like she’s Chow Yun-Fat in pantyhose.
Oh yeah – she also flings her hat at the first wave of attackers and it explodes. Boom!
What the hell is going on here? Well y’see, Cindy is actually the leader of an elite team of female assassins. She was impressed by Kitty’s assault on the office building and decided to recruit her for her murderous cabal. Makes perfect sense, really.
· Bad Taste (1987): Peter Jackson’s directorial debut is a wonderfully rancid splatter comedy and a personal favourite of mine. You’d think that more Lord of the Rings fans would seek this out, but it remains a semi-obscure cult item, celebrated by a small circle of devotees, but largely overlooked by the mainstream.
The character of Derek, played by Jackson himself, is a source of particular delight. Ostensibly one of the good guys, Derek is a hilarious combination of action hero and total dork, a (literally) drooling wild man who just gets crazier as the movie progresses.
Early in the picture, Derek suffers a fall that literally knocks his brains out. Nonplussed, the resourceful weirdo simply sticks his brains back in and puts on a large top hat to keep his skull closed tight. Yeah, you heard me. He needs to wear a hat to keep his brains from falling out.
What could possibly go wrong? Well at one point, a stray bullet knocks Derek’s hat off and he goes into convulsions. Fortunately he has the presence of mind to whip off his belt and use it to tie his head back together. This works fine and Derek makes it through the rest of the movie. I’m honestly not making any of this up.
· Goldfinger (1964): Remember Oddjob? He really raised the bar for weird henchmen. Never saying a word, Oddjob would hang around Auric Goldfinger, always ready to decapitate a statue or a meddling secret agent with his razor-sharp bowler hat. Probably not as effective as, say, whipping out a gun and shooting 007 repeatedly, but after Oddjob, every self-respecting supervillain needed to have a bodyguard with a gimmick – a kind of status symbol, if you will. He also inspired a host of barefaced parodies, as we’ll soon see…
· For Your Height Only (1979): This bizarre Filipino Bond spoof stars teeny-weeny midget actor Weng Weng as a supercool secret agent. In addition to his kung fu and marksmanship skills, the little guy is outfitted with a remote controlled razor-brimmed hat. It’s kind of like Oddjob’s famous lid, only if it misses the target, it can fly around and try again.
· Miller’s Crossing (1990): Arguably the Coen Brothers’ finest hour. Hats are a sort of visual metaphor in this film, with many beautiful shots of fedoras blowing gently along the ground, etc. Watch it again and pay close attention to the hats – characters that lose them are in big trouble and characters that put them on are asserting their power. Also, if you stand up to any hotheaded bald mob bosses, you're accused of "giving the high hat." In Miller’s Crossing, if you’re in control of your hat, you’re also in control of your life.
·Saving Private Ryan (1998): Witness the Allied soldier whose life is saved when a Nazi bullet ricochets off his helmet. Then he foolishly pulls it off to marvel at the mark the bullet made, only to get nailed by another headshot almost immediately. Let this be a lesson, people. Keep those helmets ON!
·Starship Troopers (1997): A space marine pulls off his helmet during a live ammo exercise and gets his brains blown out. Hey! What did I just say about wearing your helmet, stupid?
· Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981): If your name is Indiana Jones, there is no excuse for losing your hat. Not in a gunfight, not on a submerging submarine, not in a booby-trapped temple and not in the sequels. Got it? Never lose your hat! |
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