| This week’s video topic is… er, how should I put this… interfering with oneself. You know, wringing the weasel. Dating Mrs. Palm and her five daughters. Spanking the monkey. Shaking hands with the unemployed. If you aren’t blind yet, read on.
· Annie Hall (1977) – Included here for the classic line "Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love."
· American Pie (1999) – Everybody knows this one. Jim (Jason Biggs) is caught humping an apple pie in the kitchen, when his dad (Eugene Levy) walks in. Jim’s dad is an understanding, caring sort, but that doesn’t make the occasion any less embarrassing. The father-son chat that follows the dessert deflowering is unforgettable. "I have to admit, you know, I did a fair bit of… masturbating when I was a little younger," confides Jim’s dad. "I never did it with baked goods, but…"
· American Pie 2 (2001) – More of the same, with Jim mistaking a tube of superglue for lubricant. An excerpt from his phone call to the emergency room: "I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself."
· There’s Something About Mary (1998) – A groundbreaking bit of comedic pud-pulling that addresses the lingering after-effects of such activity. In this case, it lingers in Cameron Diaz’s hair. Thankfully, she never clues in.
· Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) – Judge Reinhold experiences the pleasure (Phoebe Cates in a red bikini!) and the pain (whoops! She saw me!) of teenage self-service.
· Seinfeld (1990-1998) – What can you say about the famous episode "The Contest?" It’s world famous – everybody saw it, everybody remembers it and everybody cracks up when a friend quotes a line or two. It really pushed the boundaries of what is acceptable mainstream entertainment, without even using the m-word. Jerry and the gang agree to give up "doing that" and put money on the outcome. Classic moment: Kramer’s all-too-early admission, "I’m out!"
· The Simpsons (1989-present) – When Rabbi Krustofski suspects his son Herschel (a.k.a. Krusty the Clown) intends to be a professional buffoon, he gets steamed. In one painful flashback, he pounds on the bathroom door, demanding "What are you doing in there?" "Don’t come in here!" pleads little Herschel, just as the door gets kicked in. The payoff: he’s in his clown outfit practising his routine in front of the mirror. His seltzer bottle sprays him in the face just as the door opens. (Er, just to be clear, this isn’t a double entendre. He actually has a bottle of seltzer water. Jeez, you people!) All in all, a clever little variation on a stock scene.
· Friends (1994-2004) – Man, the TV masturbation gags just keep on coming. Remember when Chandler switched channels just as Monica came home, leading her to think he was pleasuring himself in front of a nature program? Then she tried to come to terms with the fact that her fella was attracted to sharks.
· Futurama (1999-2003) – After robot Bender gets addicted to household current, he spends a lot of time in secluded places with his cerebral cortex plugged into standard AC outlets. This is completely dissimilar to masturbation, but at one point Leela pounds on the bathroom door and asks "Bender, are you jacking on in there?" Ha! Get it?
· Family Guy (1999-2002) – Plenty of off-colour gags of every stripe in this push-the-envelope animated sitcom. As for scenes about "flying solo," well, let’s go with the bit where 13-year-old Chris is found spying on a girl’s slumber party.
Lois: "Chris, come out of there."
Chris: (lurking shamefully behind a couch) "I… can’t."
Lois: (sighing with disgust) "Finish up and come out."
· South Park (1997-present) – OK, it’s official. Any popular animated series intended for audiences over the age of 12 will contain masturbation gags. Jeez, just look at this list… aren’t I supposed to be writing about movies? Oh well. As far as South Park goes, I can’t even remember how many masturbation gags it has. Or defecation gags. Or jokes about proctology, violent death, Barbra Streisand, inflatable sex dolls, rape, Satan, Jesus or Saddam Hussein, for that matter. Fans of the show know precisely what to expect, and it’s still going strong after seven years. Anybody who’d actually finish reading a Video Vulture column about whacking off would probably dig this show. See you guys next week, and remember to wash your hands. |
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