| With the amount of time that film geeks spend online scoping movie trailers (and the fact that film companies are now releasing Internet-only trailers), the computer, not the theatre, has become the front line of the cinema publicity war. Our intrepid film correspondent spent hours in front of his laptop, searching for the scoop on this fall’s batch of new releases. From apple.com to obscure French websites, no stone was left unturned for Fast Forward’s second annual fall movie trailer preview. Please note, all release dates are subject to change.
SEPTEMBER
· Vanity Fair (directed by Mira Nair)
The question: Can a social-climbing governess find true love in this adaptation of William Makepeace Thackeray’s 19th-century novel?
The answer: I didn’t read the book, but I did notice Rhys Meyers’ rock-star haircut and Reese Witherspoon’s Bollywood-style belly dance routine in the trailer… so yeah, why not.
Oscar Bait: 8
True-to-source-material factor: 2 (did you see the dude’s hair?)
· Wimbledon (directed by Richard Loncraine)
The question: Can has-been tennis pro Paul Bettany come back from obscurity and win?
The answer: Of course he can, especially if he’s having confidence-building sex with fellow tennis pro Kirsten Dunst.
Oscar bait: 2
Feel-good factor: 8
· The Forgotten (directed by Joseph Ruben)
The question: Will the audience figure out what really happens in this thriller starring Julianne Moore as a woman who wakes up one day only to realize that her son and marriage don’t really exist?
The answer: We already have, thanks to the give-it-all-away trailer. It’s either the aliens or the government. Duh! Note to studio: don’t show all the cool scenes. Didn’t you learn from The Village?
Oscar bait: 2
Whodunit factor: 3
· Mr. 3000 (directed by Charles Stone III)
The question (it’s a two parter): Can Bernie Mac come out of retirement and get the three home runs he needs to really be Mr. 3000 and, when he does get those runs, will he change from the egocentric asshole he once was to a kind, benevolent, team player?
The answer: Of course. Like Angela Bassett would ever date someone who’s a prick (What’s Love Gotta Do With It notwithstanding).
Oscar Bait: 3
Major League-Bull Durham factor: 9
· A Dirty Shame (directed by John Waters)
The question: Can John Waters, who refused to edit his movie down from an NC-17 to an R, find an audience for this silly sex comedy starring Johnny Knoxville and Tracey Ullman?
The answer: I really hope so. I mean just to see Tracey Ullman perform sexual acrobatics with an Evian bottle – it’s enough to make Madonna blush.
Oscar bait: You’re kidding, right?
Dirrrrty factor: 10
· Silver City (directed by John Sayles)
The question: When will people realize that John Sayles is one of the best filmmakers alive today?
The answer: If this Chris Cooper-led ensemble, Lone Star-meets-Wag the Dog-looking film is any good, I’d say mid-September.
Oscar bait: 5
Underrated factor: 8
· Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (directed by Kerry Conran)
The question: Are you ready to join the resistance?
The answer: I was, back in the spring, when this movie was supposed to be released. Now, I really couldn’t care less about this computer-generated, action-sci-fi popcorn flick staring Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie.
Oscar bait: 9 (technical awards only)
Who-needs-actors-when-you-have-CGI factor: 7
Also In September:
Cellular (directed by David R. Ellis), Resident Evil: Apocalypse (directed by Alexander Witt), The Final Cut (directed by Omar Naim), First Daughter (directed by Forrest Whitaker), The Last Shot (directed by Jeff Nathonson), Paparazzi (directed by Paul Abascal).
· One to Watch in September: Criminal (directed by Gregory Jacobs)
This remake of the brilliant Argentinean film Nine Queens stars John C. Reilly, Diego Luna and Maggie Gyllenhal as con artists out for the one last big score.
OCTOBER
· Ray (directed by Taylor Hackford)
The question: Will Taylor Hackford screw up this chance to bring the life and times of Ray Charles to the silver screen?
The answer: Probably, but Jamie Foxx will undoubtedly blow us all away with his portrayal of the man who combined gospel music with blues.
Oscar bait: 10 (Mr. Foxx are you ready?)
Movie-of-the-week factor: 8
· Saw (directed by James Wan)
The question: How fucked up is that?
The answer: When an unseen head-game-playing psychopath chains Westley from The Princess Bride (Cary Elwes) to a set of pipes and gives him a choice between killing the guy next to him (also chained) or sawing through his own hand to escape… I’d say that’s pretty fucked up.
Oscar bait: —500
Must-see factor: Are you kidding me? This sick and twisted flick is going to rock!
· Ladder 49 (directed by Jay Russell)
The question: Should Hollywood keep churning out the same old shit, all in the name of jingoism?
The answer: No, but with reality TV at an all-time high, can we really expect much from Hollywood in the originality department? That being said, this John Travolta-Joaquin Phoenix vehicle about firefighters in Baltimore promises more Black Hawk Down and less Backdraft. Great, I hated Black Hawk Down.
Oscar bait: 4
Let’s-here-it-for-our-boys factor: 9
· I Heart Huckabees (directed by David O. Russell)
The question: What is an existential detective agency?
The answer: I don’t know, but I can’t wait to find out. David O. Russell (Three Kings) leads (Marky) Mark Wahlberg, Jude Law, Jason Swartzman, Lilly Tomlin, Dustin Hoffman and Naomi Watts into Spike Jonze territory, with what looks like the sleeper hit of the year.
Oscar bait: 5
Pop philosophy factor: 8
· Team America: World Police (directed by Trey Parker)
The question: Can the creators of South Park give Peter Jackson’s puppet porno Meet The Feebles a run for its money?
The answer: In the raunchy department, my guess is no. In the politically-incorrect department, however, this R-rated movie featuring ass-kicking marionettes should leave no sociopolitical party unscathed.
Oscar bait: tee hee hee
Clueless-parents-bringing-their-kids-on-opening-night factor: 8
· Alfie (directed by Charles Shyer)
The question: Can Charles Shyer get revenge against his ex-wife/ex-business partner Nancy Myers for Something’s Gotta Give with his remake of the Michael Caine classic?
The answer: Sure, we need a good male-skewed romantic comedy and Jude Law is just the chap to charm the pants (and skirts) off the entire female cast (including the always-delicious Susan Sarandon).
Oscar bait: 3
Envy factor: 10
· Shark Tale (directed by Bibo Bergeron and Vicky Jenson)
The question: Can this animated tale from the makers of Shrek fail?
The answer: Of course not. Not with Will Smith, Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Renée Zellweger, Robert De Niro and Martin Scorsese lending their voices to this tale about a shark who refuses to be a killer.
Oscar bait: 9 (remember Nemo?)
Fast-food tie-in factor: 10
· Taxi (directed by Tim Story)
The question: Will the three screenwriters for this ’80s-style action-comedy ever work again?
The answer: Of course. Hollywood has run out of ideas so they might as well just throw Midnight Run, 48 Hours, Rush Hour and Queen Latifah into a blender and see what happens.
Oscar bait: Is that a monkey flying out of my ass?
Derivative factor: 9
· The Grudge (directed by Takashi Shimizu)
The question: Will Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Sarah Michelle Gellar live and get to be in the sequel to this version of the famous Japanese horror franchise?
The answer: I’ve seen the original (and two of the four remakes) so I’m not telling. If it’s anything like the original Ju-On: The Grudge, you will pee in your pants!
Oscar Bait: -500
Grabbing-your-partner’s-arm-out-of-sheer-terror factor: 7
Also in October:
Shall We Dance (directed by Peter Chelsom), Sideways (directed by Alexander Payne), Undertow (directed by David Gordon Green), Vera Drake (directed by Mike Leigh), Being Julia (directed by Istvan Szabo), Sound of Thunder (directed by Peter Hyams), Friday Night Lights (directed by Peter Berg).
· One to Watch in October: The Machinist (directed by Brad Anderson)
Christian Bale, who shed 50 pounds, stars as an insomniac who hasn’t slept for a year and fears that they may be out to get him.
NOVEMBER
· The Incredibles (directed by Brad Bird)
The question: Just how much money will this Pixar-animated film about retired superheroes experiencing legal troubles make?
The answer: Billions
Oscar bait: The race with Shark Tale and Shrek 2 is on.
Kid-in-all-of-us factor: 10
· Surviving Christmas (directed by Mike Mitchell)
The question: Is seeing James Gandolfini bash Ben Affleck over the head with a shovel enough to get people to see this movie?
The Answer: After being bashed over the head with Gigli, audiences are… Wait a minute, no one saw Gigli. Bring on the yuletide beatings.
Oscar Bait: 0
Affleck comeback factor: 9
· Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason (directed by Beeban Kidron)
The question: Does Bridget Jones’s Diary really need a sequel?
The answer: I’m sure some fuckwit somewhere thought it would be a good idea. The fact that it took four people to write it is never a good sign.
Oscar bait: 2
Redundancy factor: 8
· Christmas With the Kranks (directed by Joe Roth)
The question: Will Tim Allen ever get hired for an Easter-themed movie?
The answer: He is The Santa Clause. If it wasn’t for Christmas, he wouldn’t even have a career.
Oscar Bait: 1
Disposable-Christmas-fare factor: 9
· Alexander (directed by Oliver Stone)
The question: What the hell was Oliver Stone thinking?
The answer: Obviously the most hyperkinetic director on the planet was thinking this might just be his opus. With the unbelievably tepid Colin Farrell as his lead, I’m sure it will be. Come on, are you serious? He fights an elephant for God’s sake!
Oscar bait: 9
Troy-Gladiator survival dependence factor: 8
· The Polar Express (directed by Robert Zemeckis)
The question: Am I the only one who thinks this movie looks absolutely terrible?
The answer: Maybe Tom Hanks would have noticed if he wasn’t busy playing five characters in what looks like the worst Christmas film to hit the theatres since Santa Claus: The Movie.
Oscar Bait: 9
Car-crash factor: 7 (I just can’t wait for this one to bomb.)
· Finding Neverland (directed by Marc Forster)
The question: Do we really need another Peter Pan-based story?
The answer: With Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet as leads, how bad could this loose adaptation of J.M Barrie’s life be… although it does have four precocious children in it.
Oscar Bait: 9 (come on, Johnny)
My-mom-will-want-to-go-factor: 10
· National Treasure (directed by Jon Turteltaub)
The question: Didn’t this guy direct Phenomenon?
The answer: Why yes, he did. So who better to direct a rip-roaring Indiana Jones-style action movie about an archeologist (Nicolas Cage) who finds a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence? I expect thrills and tears.
Oscar bait: 2
If-you-just-buy-the-premise-you’ll-dig-the-movie factor: 7
Also in November:
After the Sunset (directed by Brett Ratner), Beyond the Sea (directed by Kevin Spacey), Kinsey (directed by Bill Condon), Millions (directed by Danny Boyle), The Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie (directed by Stephen Hillenburg), Birth (directed by Jonathan Glazer), A Very Long Engagement (directed by Jean Pierre-Jeunet).
· One to Watch in November: Bad Education (directed by Pedro Almodovar)
Spain’s greatest living director goes noir in this drama about a transvestite still reeling from the sexual abuse he sustained from his priest. Just keep giving this guy the Oscar.
DECEMBER
· Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (directed by Brad Siberling)
The question: Don’t these fools know that Lemony Snicket fans are near fanatical and any miscalculation may result in a huge uproar?
The answer: Obviously not, or they would’ve cast Gary Oldman as Count Olaf, instead of Jim Carrey.
Oscar bait: 7 (for costumes and set design)
Backlash factor: 8
· Ocean’s Twelve (directed by Steven Soderberg)
The question: Just because the super-charming cast of Ocean’s Eleven is back, along with director Steven Soderberg, do they honestly think that we’ll spend our hard-earned money on this potentially useless sequel?
The answer: Absolutely. I, for one, will not only see it the second it comes out, but I’ll probably see it more than once in the theatre.
Oscar bait: 4
Twelve-being-the-new-eleven factor: 9
· Blade: Trinity (directed by David S. Goyer)
The question: Can I get advance tickets now?
The answer: It’s probably better that I wait until the final rating comes in. The worst thing that could happen to this ultra-violent vampire hunter franchise is it’ll be given a PG-13 rating.
Oscar Bait: 0
They-could-blow-it factor: 9
· Meet the Fockers (directed by Jay Roach)
The question: How bad could the sequel to Meet the Parents be?
The answer: Maybe we should ask the reported seven screenwriters. Just have Robert De Niro say Focker over and over again. It worked in the first one.
Oscar bait: 0
Focker-as-an-adjective factor: 6
· The Aviator (directed by Martin Scorsese)
The question: Why doesn’t the Academy just mail Scorsese the Oscar now?
The answer: That’s not a bad idea considering this year’s crop of Oscar-worthy picks looks pretty awful. Playing Howard (Hollywood) Hughes probably won’t hurt Leonardo Di Caprio’s nomination chances either.
Oscar Bait: 10
Confirming-Scorsese-can-make-anything-factor: 9 (See Kundun – no, really, go watch it again, it’s freaking amazing.)
· Spanglish (directed by James L. Brooks)
The question: Was James L. Brooks’s last film as good as it got, or can he strike Oscar gold with Adam Sandler, Tea Leoni and Cloris Leachman?
The answer: Here’s what I’m thinking: Sandler gets nominated, Leoni cries all the time (a good Oscar sign), but it’s Cloris Leachman who’s going to win the best supporting actress award next year. Just remember where you heard it and who said it first.
Oscar bait: 9.5
Coming-to-terms-with-endearment factor: 8
· Closer (directed by Mike Nichols)
The question: Will Mike Nichols be allowed to play in the feature-film world or will he be banished back to TV land?
The answer: After making crappy movies (Wolf) and then making brilliant TV (Angels in America), Mike is ready for a comeback. Having Natalie Portman, Clive Owens and Jude Law in the film shouldn’t hurt. Julia Roberts on the other hand…
Oscar bait: 9
If-this-bombs-Mike’s-directing-traffic factor: 11
· Phantom of the Opera (directed by Joel Shumacher)
The question: You’re kidding right?
The answer: Nope, it’s just like the play. Only it’s going to suck.
Oscar bait: If there’s a God, this movie will just go away.
After-the-Christmas-turkey-let’s-go-to-the-movies factor: 5
Also In December:
Proof (directed by John Madden), An Unfinished Life (directed by Lasse Hallstrom), Fierce People (directed by Griffin Dunne), The Woodsman (directed by Nicole Kassell), Synergy (directed by Paul Weitz), House of Flying Daggers (directed by Zhang Yimou), Fat Albert (directed by Joel Zwick).
· One to Watch in December: The Life Aquatic (directed by Wes Anderson)
Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson, Bill Murray, Cate Blanchett, Anjelica Huston, Jeff Goldblum, and Willem Dafoe? What could be a better Christmas gift than this? How about, having all the little sea creatures animated by Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas director, Henry Selick. |
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