| The Catman and Thunder Ninja Kids series of films are the sort of filmic flotsam known only to those schlock addicts who comb department and video stores in search of utter crap.
That’s precisely what I do on a regular basis, so these movies have been in my collection for quite some time now. These flicks all credit one "Alton Cheung" as director, although the Internet Movie Database and various other sources claim that they were made by cut-and-paste master Godfrey Ho. That’s quite possible. Ho is known for taking unfinished or unreleased Asian films, mixing in unrelated new footage of badly-dubbed anglo actors in ninja costumes jumping around, and releasing the resultant mess on an unsuspecting video-hungry public. All of the "Alton Cheung" films I’ve seen certainly follow this formula, although the Catman series substitutes a hilarious superhero getup for the usual ninja garb.
Catman in Lethal Track (1990) introduces us to the all-new (and all-awful) superhero antics of Catman (Jonathan James), a bleached-blond lummox whose superpowers seem to be made up by the screenwriters as the story progresses. He can turn the TV on and off with his mind, punch through walls, light cigarettes with his laser eyes and deflect bullets with his armbands. Oh yeah, and the cat insignia on his huge sunglasses is either a ninja throwing star or a grenade, depending on the circumstances. (All this from getting scratched by a radioactive cat.) He’s accompanied by his buddy Gus (Kenneth Goodman), a secret agent who follows Catman into battle, guns blazing. Gus usually eliminates more baddies than his superpowerful buddy does – not surprising, since Catman relies on awkward martial arts moves instead of superpowers when fighting evil. As usual for a Cheung-Ho production, the Catman storyline is constantly being interrupted by footage from some unreleased Asian action epic that you’ll probably fast-forward through. Neither of the two stories intersects in any way – they just take turns eating up screen time and end independently of one another.
Catman in Boxer’s Blow (1993): Yay! It’s the sequel nobody asked for! More of the same, with an extra-long wait for any superhero action. Most of the Catman footage is at the very end, but there are plenty of gunshots and squib hits for such an impoverished production. (How does Ho finance his epics? With a garage sale?) Unintentional humour is provided by the "ninjas," who carry rifles and wear ninja hoods with little pompoms on top. To date, this appears to be Catman’s last movie appearance. Don’t celebrate yet though, because another phoney film series lurks nearby, and it’s called Thunder Ninja Kids….
Thunder Ninja Kids: The Hunt for the Devil Boxer (1991): If you see only one Alton Cheung epic, make it this one. Easily the best (worst?) of the films reviewed here, this hybrid combines old and new footage that are equally wild for a change. The bulk of the screen time goes to a team of undead children and the wacky hijinks they get into while searching for human blood. That’s right – it’s a kid’s comedy about adorable undead moppets and their quest for vengeance (and heartwarming adventures) from beyond the grave! The tykes are bloodsuckers of the Chinese Mr. Vampire (1985) variety, so they wear ornate Manchurian robes, have pasty white faces and hop after their prey with their arms outstretched, like sleepwalkers with their ankles tied together. Determined to be nice little monsters, the kids shame all of the adult vampires out of preying on humans ("You shouldn’t hurt people!"), and they all split up in search of cruelty-free blood substitutes in the big city. Eventually the story focuses on two dead kids who become our protagonists: a pudgy li’l vampire boy and a friendly li’l ghostly girl. While raiding the blood bank of the local hospital, the cute little hellspawn happen across some mean grown-ups who steal drugs and kidnap children. The kids use their power of invisibility to play all kinds of wacky pranks on the baddies, giggling mischievously the whole time.
The line between cute and disturbing gets crossed when the cute li’l vampire boy actually strangles a henchman to death! Then, turning to the camera and pointing out that bad guys deserve what they get, he drinks his fill of henchman blood! Fortunately (?) the bad guy survives this ordeal (sort of), and rises from semi-death as a sort of half-zombie! I’m not kidding here, folks – this guy has vampire makeup on half his face, and he sort of walks/hops along with one arm outstretched. Ye gods! Oh, and did I forget to mention the UFO?
All of this nuttiness is from unidentified recycled footage. The new footage involves a karate contest of some kind where the prize is a cheap-looking gold sword. The stakes shoot up through the roof when it turns out that Satan him/herself wants this sword and is willing to possess several of the characters in order to get it. In a weird touch, Satan is played by a hot naked chick (filmed only from the shoulders up, alas) who speaks with a booming male voice! The actress-actor team who jointly play Satan are given free rein to overact, leading to a surprisingly lively eye-rolling, teeth-gritting, shouty-voiced composite performance that doesn’t drag the other material down, no matter how bizarre it gets. A must-see or a must-avoid, depending on your taste in cinema. Other films in the Thunder Ninja Kids series include Golden Adventure (1992), Little Kickboxer (2000) and Wonderful Mission (1990), and I’m betting they’re all unrelated. |
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