| Got vampires in your garden? Are unquiet spirits returning from the grave to haunt the living, screwing up your picnic plans? No sweat – humanity’s always had its fair share of heroes to fight back the hordes of undead. Van Helsing, Buffy, the Ghostbusters, Blade – hell, even El Santo will run in there and put those neck-biters in a half nelson if you want him to. But what if the vampires are wearing ornate Manchurian robes and are hopping around with their arms outstretched? Put away the garlic and crosses buddy – they won’t do you a lick of good. You need help from the best Taoist exorcist in the business: you need Lam Ching-Ying!
Mr. Vampire (1985): This is an absolutely astounding horror comedy from Hong Kong. It made a star out of Lam Ching-Ying, whose performance as a super-competent battler of the undead is so letter-perfect that fans have difficulty picturing him in any other part. He’s reprised the role in countless Mr. Vampire sequels and spinoffs, delighting audiences every time. Here he’s Uncle Kau, an expert in the occult who is the go-to guy if you have trouble with Chinese vampires. I’m not talking about run-of-the-mill gothic bloodsuckers here – these are distinctly Asian monsters that hop after their prey, eliciting laughs and shrieks from the audience in equal measure. A good Taoist can keep these creatures under control by applying scraps of enchanted yellow parchment to the ghoul’s foreheads, allowing corpse wranglers to herd the placid creatures cross-country for reburial. Of course, if the paper falls off, you’ve got a snarling monster on your hands, which is why it’s good to keep someone like Uncle Kau handy.
Instead of stakes, garlic and crosses, Uncle Kau’s anti-vampire arsenal contains such diverse items as feng shui mirrors, wooden swords, inky string, and Chinese coins tied together in the shape of a dagger. Don’t worry – he knows exactly what he’s doing. He also explains little details as he goes along, such as how to appear invisible to vampires by holding your breath. (Try it – it works!) As long as everybody follows Uncle Kau’s instructions perfectly, things are OK, but the minute anybody screws up even the tiniest detail – such as putting regular rice in the vampire curing mixture instead of sticky rice – disaster strikes.
The story involves Uncle Kau and his two bumbling assistants (Ricky Hui and Chin Siu-Ho) overseeing the exhumation and reburial of a wealthy businessman whose current burial plot is cursed by a business rival. The corpse revives and escapes, causing no end of mischief for the local mortals. To make matters worse, one of Kau’s apprentices is partially turned into a vampire, while the other one finds himself seduced by a beautiful ghost (Pauline Wong). The two dummies make excuses that they’re "only 80 per cent vampire" and "only 80 per cent haunted" respectively, which butters no parsnips with the understandably miffed Uncle Kau, who has to clean this mess up. Still, Kau never loses his cool, even when Miss Wong’s head is flying around the room, hypnotically forcing her new boyfriend into a kung fu battle against his former master.
Lam Ching-Ying is the epitome of cool in this movie. No matter how exotic the supernatural challenges get, he’s ready, willing and able to beat them all back. He’ll even use his nifty kung fu moves from time to time. Sure, a spinning leg sweep won’t stop a vampire permanently, but as Buffy might tell you, it keeps the fangs away from your neck long enough for you to find a good weapon. Lam started his movie career as a stuntman-actor-assistant fight choreographer in Bruce Lee’s movies, so you can imagine how good his moves are. Still, it’s his hard-to-describe charisma that really shines. There isn’t a person in the world you’d rather have in your corner when you’re up against silk-clad undead. Lam passed away in 1997, but continues to win fans thanks to the popularity of his movies on video. Magic Cop (1990), Wizard’s Curse (1992) and Crazy Safari (1991) are all popular, but fans agree that Mr. Vampire is as good as it gets. Check it out, and bring a friend. |
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