| Who doesn’t want to be a rock star? What you may not know is that it’s easier than you think. You don't even really need to play an instrument (look at Neil Young).
Now that the cat's out of the bag, there are a few things you should know – the 10 key points to get you on the road to stardom. This list is by no means a guarantee. After you’ve satisfied all the steps you may still be stuck with your ukulele playing "Tip Toe Through the Tulips" for your little brother’s birthday party. Nothing’s a guarantee – I’m just here to help.
Gather your friends. Let’s face it. You could go solo but getting high in the van by yourself is no fun. Once you’re on tour you’ll need people to partake in the debauchery that goes along with being a rock star. Remember, singing or playing an instrument isn’t necessary. If they have a drug or alcohol problem, all the better.
Name your band. I haven’t figured out the trick behind the whole naming thing yet. The best band name I ever heard was The Fat Chick From Wilson Phillips. Nasty name-calling aside, I suggest naming your band after a functioning body part, like maybe My Anus or how about Good Question.
Get a stylist. This is particularly important. Make sure you get your look worked out. A stylist can pick your clothes, do your hair and makeup and pretty you up for the masses. Your Gap capris and collared shirts won’t do here. Apparently, leathers and skin-tight snakeskin trousers are really in right now. Holt Renfrew has a great selection. If you have the guts to wear ’em, more power to ya.
Find groupies. I thought long and hard about including this step. I mean, I consider myself a modern-day feminist, but you can’t deny the power of a really great set of… But these days groupies come in all shapes, sizes and genders. That said, every rock band requires at least a trio of devoted, screaming followers. A rock star once told me a band is only as good as its groupies.
Order merchandise. Gone are the days of T-shirts and stickers. I’m talking embroidered toques, hand-stitched underwear, mugs, key chains and video games. Nothing says rock star like thong underwear embroidered with "My Anus" stitched on the bum. Hot!
Instrument time. You might be wondering why this point is so late in the list. Remember, playing an instrument is the least important thing about rock ’n’ roll. Pick an instrument and follow this handy-dandy advice:
· Guitar: Hello power chord. For those of you still wondering, the power chord is the foundation of rock ’n’ roll. This wonderfully flexible two-note chord means once you have got your fingers on the guitar – the neck part that is – just slide your hand around. Presto – rock guitar made easy.
· Keys: I’m telling you, this is easier than you think. Pick four notes on the keyboard (the white ones are best). Repeat the four notes in the same order over and over again. Add some notes on top of the initial four notes and you’ve got a chord. Make sure to tell these notes to the rest of your band.
· Bass: No one really cares about the bass player. No really. Pick two notes, preferably the same ones the keyboard player chose and alternate between the two. Better yet screw the bass player and just have the keyboard player play the bass line.
· Drums: Two words – back beat. Kick, snare, kick, snare. For the most part just bang the hell out of whatever hardware you have in front of you – the louder the better.
Know your influences. This is important for when you do interviews. The press will want to know how you became so inspired. The more obscure the band the better. When in doubt say the Pixies. It worked for Nirvana.
Convince someone to be your manager. I’ve been told managers are useless. But really, between getting high in the van, hanging with the groupies and talking to the press, you’ll have no time for setting up gigs. Managers do all the dirty work (book your gigs, look after money, bail you out of jail). Make sure to sue them for lots of money when you make it big.
Get out there. I mean out of the house. If you’ve been playing together, now would be a good time to let everyone know you’re ready for world domination. I suggest local jams to start. On any given night you can lug your gear to almost any pub and "play." Just show up and wail. The Shamrock, Ship and Anchor, Big Al’s, the King Eddie, Bass Brothers. The list goes on.
Promote your band. Make sure everyone and their pooch knows where and when you’re playing every time you play. Mailing lists, e-mail lists, flyers, posters, strip-o-grams – use any and every means possible to spread the word. I’ve heard playing for charities (a.k.a. playing for free) is a cunning way to get coverage. I suggest some obscure charity. Regardless, saturate the market with your band and you’re sure to get noticed by someone.
There you have it. Like I said this isn’t a guarantee to stardom. Be persistent, positive and hard working. I’m no rock star, but I hear sleeping your way to the top is occasionally successful. Good Luck! |
Copyright ©2004 FFWD. All rights reserved.