Review
VAN HELSING
Starring Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale
Written and directed by Stephen Sommers
Now playing
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The last time I saw a movie featuring Dracula, the Wolfman and Frankenstein’s monster was 1987’s The Monster Squad. The film featured a group of awkward prepubescents saving the world from this trio of terror, the unquestionable highlight being when the chubby kid kicked a werewolf in the groin only to exclaim with awe, "Wolfman’s got nards." If only Van Helsing had anything that entertaining.
Hugh Jackman stars in the title role as a mysterious monster hunter working for a secret offshoot of the Catholic Church. His latest assignment is to kill Dracula and in doing so save the souls of the Valerious family who have sworn to vanquish the legendary vampire. The only surviving member of this family to battle Dracula, his three brides and the legion of offspring they plan to raise is the tough-as-nails Anna (played with an unbelievably awkward East-bloc accent by Kate Beckinsale). Already this is more than enough material for two films, but writer-director Stephen Sommers, who brought us The Mummy and The Mummy Returns, has never been one to ignore a special effects extravaganza. In addition to the already muddy plot, Sommers adds werewolves and Frankenstein’s monster and proceeds to plug the gaping plot holes with computer-generated effects.
Van Helsing is flat out bad – League of Extraordinary Gentlemen bad, (complete with the use of a poorly rendered Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde). The acting is nowhere near adequate – Jackman takes eyebrow acting to new extremes, David Wenham’s comic relief offers neither comedy nor relief and Richard Roxburgh as Dracula takes overacting to previously unseen levels of embarrassment. The gratuitous use of computer-generated effects desperately tries to make up for the lacking plot and ensures that when a character isn’t merely walking or talking, they look like Woody from Toy Story. Worst of all, the film is tied together with the cheapest of dramatic conventions as though the filmmaker wrote only a single draft of the script and then tried to fix the problems by throwing money at it.
As a result, Van Helsing is an aimless, brainless, gutless action film where quite literally the best thing about it is how good Beckinsale’s hair looks. |
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