| Let’s make something clear right off the bat. You want studied critiques of video movie releases, you march yourself straight to the latter half of this publication where you’ll find John Tebbutt’s very enjoyable Video Vulture. You want the candid reviews of people shuffling through the aisles of local video stores, stay put.
This night, yours truly wanders the aisles of several rental establishments. "Shredder, huh huh, huh," says a guy with a chuckle as he holds the video box up for his girlfriend’s inspection. On the cover a maniac brandishes an axe engraved with the words, "Death to Snowboarders." It’s common practice among renting couples for one to lighten the mood by singling out such obviously stenchy fare for a laugh.
"Daddy Day Care," deadpans a guy sporting a massive Afro to his gal. "Noooo. Not funny at all." With Eddie Murphy as stink benchmark, the search begins in earnest.
"Johnny English is supposed to be funny," she replies moments later, pointing to the Rowan Atkinson spy spoof. His silence signals that he thinks it sucks and is unwilling to rent it, but that in keeping his mouth shut he won’t offend her by slamming her crappy suggestion. Silence is golden indeed. And it’s a bit of a movie snob.
"This is one of the worst movies ever made," he says, fingering a Jackie Chan action flick, "The Medallion." Minutes later, "Have you seen 24-Hour Party People?" he offers, pointing to another video. "I think you should see this." She is silent this time, if you know what I mean.
"I heard this was really bad but really good," she says, drawing his attention to staff fave Beavis and Butthead Do America. Really bad but really good, hmmm? Like an Eddie Murphy film but without Eddie Murphy? They’ll take it.
Although it’s about as hip and cool as arthritis, the so-good-it’s-bad movie fan ethos lives.
A young woman eyeballs a rack full of Freddy Versus Jason. "Ugh," she says simply of this horror villain faceoff.
"Sometimes cheesy is gooood!" replies her grinning male friend. Here’s a cheap shot: your feet, sir, are a notable exception.
Other customers just want quality viewing. "What’s a good movie I should rent?" a dark-haired high school girl asks her boyfriend.
"Suicide Kings – it’s the best!" he says of the 1998 crime drama starring Christopher Walken.
"What’s a good drama I should rent?" she persists. "I like a good drama."
"Johnny Darko."
What trip to the video store would be complete without Adam Sandler? A guy in a ball cap picks up Happy Gilmore from "Staff Picks." "Awesome," pronounces his lady.
"How about Snatch?" he queries.
"Maybe after the movie," she replies. Kidding. I’m kidding! "I tried," is her actual reply. Brad Pitt as a marble-mouthed Irish gypsy – yes, very trying.
"Hey, great," says a man to his teenage daughter as she examines American Beauty. "Let’s just get that." Whoops! This isn’t the "Father-Daughter" aisle. It’s the "Father-Daughter-Daughter’s Sexy Friend" aisle. Reminds me of the time I mistook "Manson Family" for "Family." You’d think they’d put some distance between the two shelves. The kids still scream like, uh, little kids at the sight of wild eyes and unkempt hair. That reminds me – pass me that comb before I choke the living… er, where was I?
"I’ve seen Pooh, honey," says a mom to her toddler. "Come along."
"Uh oh, uh oh," says the wee girl as she knocks over a copy of Identity, a middling psychological thriller starring Ray Liotta and John Cusack. "No, no," she mutters as she places it back on the shelf. She also knows poo when she sees it.
"Have you seen this?" asks a woman of her husband. She points to a copy of The Life of David Gale.
"No, you saw it with Kevin."
"I can’t believe you haven’t seen this, Chris."
"Yelling at me’s not going to change the fact that I haven’t seen it." This pattern continues as it turns out she’s seen it all and he has not. Further down the aisle he quips, "This isn’t a competition to see who’s seen more movies." Calm down, man. Here’s my comb.
Picking a movie is easier for some couples. "Slap Shot," a young woman pronounces simply to her partner as they walk into the store. The 1977, low-rent Paul Newman hockey comedy is manly, yes, but she likes it, too.
Choosing a rental video for two is not always easy. With patience and the will to compromise, however, endless, sedentary evenings glued to the TV-VCR can only bring you closer together. For sure your ballooning backsides will. Literally. |
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