| Here we are in 2004. We’ve seen the end of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, a pirate movie that actually did good business and a terrific blockbuster about talking fish. Now we’re stacking up our favourite 2003 movies in our heads, and pondering what cinematic treats we can look forward to in the new year. There’s also a few shell-shocked viewers using the Internet to insist that Gigli and From Justin to Kelly were worse films than Manos: Hands of Fate (1966). Anyone who’s actually watched Manos knows what a bold, highly unlikely statement that is.
So, how was 2003 for you? Was it a good year for movies? Were there any genuine classics? Stinkers, maybe? Analyzing the year in terms of annual lists is always good for a chuckle. For now though, I’d like to look back a little bit further, to 1998 – a year the Golden Raspberry Awards (a.k.a. "The Razzies") called "The Worst Movie Going Year Ever." How bad was it? So bad that the Razzies added an entirely new award category, dishonouring the Worst Movie Trends of the Year. (The winner: "Gidgets ’n’ Geezers," a category referring to 58-year-old leading men wooing 28-year-old leading ladies.) Check out www.razzies.com for details.
Still, it wasn’t the Razzies that made me remember the horror of the summer of ’98. I was digging through some old magazines, and found this: the "Essential Summer Selection" from Total Film's July 1998 issue. Total Film is usually a fantastic magazine, just as quick to denounce crap as it is to praise quality. Truly then, the only explanation for this dire list is the wretchedness of the ’98 summer blockbuster season. Here then, are the 10 movies that Total Film (and many other such publications, presumably) thought would rock our world in ’98:
10. Species 2. You heard me, Species 2. Stunned yet? Hang on, it gets worse...
9. The X-Files: Fight the Future
8. Doctor Doolittle. You know – Eddie Murphy sharing fart jokes with talking hamsters?
7. Lethal Weapon 4. I think we're all too old for this s**t.
6. Mercury Rising. Bruce Willis and his gun protect a nine-year-old autistic boy who manages to crack a government supercode. Stop laughing – this is serious.
5. The Avengers. Holy suffering crap!
4. Lost in Space. Gaaah!
3. 6 Days, 7 Nights. Hey, a movie that's actually watchable! Sort of. I mean, I watched it. I think. Umm... Anne Heche's breasts are nice, I remember that.
2. The Truman Show. OK, I hear this one's really good. I'm sure it's better than the rest of this list, at least.
1. Godzilla. Yup, Godzilla is number one. Hooo, boy.
So, what have we learned? Firstly, we should view any and all over-hyped summer blockbusters with extreme suspicion. Secondly, I’ve discovered that old movie magazines can be extremely funny in retrospect. Thirdly, no matter how disappointed you’ve been with recent movies, it helps to have a sense of perspective.
Let’s not forget that this list does not reflect 1998 as a whole. The year brought us lots of good movies not mentioned here, including Saving Private Ryan, American History X, Run Lola Run, The Big Lebowski, Life is Beautiful, Bride of Chucky and There’s Something About Mary.
Then again, we also got two competing Earth-gets-hit-by-a-big-rock movies: Armageddon and Deep Impact. Not to mention the Psycho remake, Barney’s Great Adventure, The Ringmaster (with Jerry Springer), Chairman of the Board (with Carrot Top), Spice World and the absolutely terrible An Alan Smithee Film Burn Hollywood Burn.
So bring it on, 2004. You can’t scare us. We’ve been to hell and back, and we bought popcorn. |
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