| I resolve to finally get around to watching that Reptilicus (1962) tape, someday, maybe, if I have the time.
I resolve to never again start watching Truck Turner (1974) when I’m supposed to be writing. I mean it this time. Have you ever tried to get anything important accomplished while Isaac Hayes’s infectious wocka-wocka beats are going on in the background and topless blond hookers are attacking bounty hunters with sharp objects? I’m telling you, ain’t nothin’ more distracting than that!
I resolve… well that’s about it, really. Hmm… that didn’t take long. These two resolutions look pretty easy. This year’s gonna be a walk in the park. Time to celebrate! Think I’ll watch a little bit more Truck Turner.
Man, there I go again. Focus, John, focus! You’ve barely started this week’s column, and already you’ve stopped twice for your stupid little ’70s blaxploitation fix! Back to your desk… settle down… focus… and catch up. There, that’s better.
(With a puff of smoke, a tiny devil appears on the Video Vulture’s shoulder)
"Hey, come on! You’re already 40 minutes into the movie! You’re closer to finishing it than you are to finishing the column," the devil says. "Just take a quick break and see how it ends. Then you can write without any distractions."
Gee, I don’t know. I mean, sure it’s a great movie and all, but I really need to write something soon. (Pause) Nope, that’s it. I’m not gonna break my resolution. I’ll just sit here, staring at my computer screen until I think of something. Besides, I already know how it ends. I’ve seen it. It’s just a hard movie to stop watching, is all.
"You could write about how Quentin Tarantino used the Truck Turner theme song in Kill Bill!"
Say, that’s right! I could, couldn’t I?
"Sure you could. Go ahead and get started. I’ll just start the VCR up, so you can listen to the music while you’re at it."
(Isaac Hayes’ music fills the room. Tiny devil gets funky, while John stares resolutely at his word processor.)
"Yeah, baby! Now we’re cookin’! Hey, want me to rewind it to the beginning? Or maybe just to the part with the topless psycho ho?"
Yes. I mean, er, no! Stop trying to distract me. I’m trying to think about which part of Kill Bill has… hey, wait a minute! This is a video column! Kill Bill isn’t on video!
"Not yet. Someday, though. Hey, wanna know what is on video? Truck Turner!"
Look, maybe this isn’t such a great idea. Why don’t you just turn off the TV, and let me…
"Oop! Hey, get in here! You’re missing Scatman Crothers!"
Oh come on, you’ll have to do better than that.
"Dick Miller could come back at any second! Or how about Yaphet Kotto? He plays the main villain, and he hasn’t even shown up yet. You don’t want to miss his entrance, do you? What about Nichelle Nichols? This is the only blaxploitation gig she ever did! Don’t you wanna see Uhura as a foul-mouthed harpy of a madam?"
Stop it! I’m switching the TV off now. There.
(Silence)
"Yo, man, if anybody asks just tell ‘em you’ve been hit by Mack "Truck" Turner!"
(Sigh) So now you’re quoting Isaac Hayes?
"Ooh! Remember those redneck guards at the military base? ‘Come back on Mother’s Day, boys, and you’ll have no trouble getting in!’ Haw haw!"
That’s terrible!
"It gets worse. Wanna see?"
OK. (TV switches on again.) Dammit, I’m weak. This column will never get finished!
"Whatchoo talkin’ about? You’ve already got over 500 words. You’re set."
Hey, I do, don’t I? Well, how about that! Thanks!
"No problem. See? You worry too much. Now relax and check out the finest cinematic entertainment 1974 has to offer!"
OK. Hey, after this, why don’t we watch Reptilicus? Then I can scratch it off my resolution list!
"Ha! Yeah, that’ll happen." |
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