| Sirbuh the Seer is coming off another tough year. The Futurists Association of United North America has put me on probationary membership for going seven years without a correct prediction. Gordo Campbell disgracing himself in Hawaii is the only reason I am not doing palm readings on Stephen Avenue. If he had the dignity to resign as I predicted, I wouldn’t be in this predicament at all.
Pulling myself off the mat, I, Sirbuh the Seer, am consoling myself with the killing I made this year in junior oil and gas shares. Surely you don’t think Sirbuh shares all his predictions?
The windfall had many blessing for Sirbuh. I have upgraded my crystal ball to run MicroSeer 2003. The old MicroSeer kept returning visions that looked more like reruns than predictions, some kind of problem with the lava lamp randomizer according to the MicroSeer user group. After all, the following look more like ghostly images from the ’90s than predictions for the new millennium.
The Paul Martin and Ralph Klein governments will both post surpluses and still cut services. Ottawa and Alberta will squabble over who has the right to control health care, education, welfare and the municipalities, leaving all of them wondering where to turn. The two levels of government will then blame each other for the lack of direction in solving our problems.
Martin will win his first election against pathetic opposition, spending most of the campaign touting a new era of federal-provincial relations and a new deal for the West. Ralph Klein will win another election against pathetic opposition, spending most of the campaign beating on Ottawa instead of the Alberta Liberals or New Democrats.
Fortunately for me, and a legion of Calgary singles, my upgraded crystal ball produces better predictions despite a few annoyances. It crashes constantly and uploads all my predictions to the CSIS-CIA Known-Unknowns database to be personally reviewed by David Pratt, Donald Rumsfeld and Bill Gates.
Ed Broadbent’s re-entry into federal politics will start a new fad as dozens of former politicians leap back into public life. Brian Mulroney, backed by money from a Texas ranch-supply company owned by George Bush’s cousin, Lyndon Roosevelt Bush III, and some shady characters from Switzerland, will win the leadership of the Conservative Party of Canada, to be nicknamed the neo-Tories.
Joe Clark will make his third comeback. Taking pages out of the books of George Bush Sr. and Preston Manning, Clark will move to New Brunswick, declare himself to have always been a Maritimer at heart, and start the Unreformed Conservative Party of Canada, to be nicknamed the nearly-Tories.
The devil will work his wonders with the idle hands of Jean Chretien. After a brief and miserable experience as a Washington lobbyist for Canadian companies trying to get reconstruction contracts in Iraq, J.C. will take a brief walk in the snows of northern Quebec. His epiphany will lead him to win the leadership of the Bloc Quebecois. When questioned about his unity turnabout, J.C. will claim his separatist-baiting past was due to a curse put on him by a voodoo queen hired by Pierre Trudeau in 1973. Le Petit Gars will revitalize the fortunes of the Blocheads by showing up outside federal Liberal party events and publicly applying the Shawinigan Handshake (throttling) to high-profile Liberals such as Stéphane Dion and Jean Charest.
The arrival of three former prime ministers on the federal scene will play havoc with the Martinets’ succession plans. After the electoral dust has settled, Martin will still be prime minister, but he will have to share power in a minority government with the NDP. It will collapse six months later when Jack Layton catches Martin and the Governor General making fun of his moustache.
South of the border, a 14-year-old hacker, not the axis of evil as previously predicted by yours truly, will change the course of U.S. history by accidentally hacking into Dick Cheney’s pacemaker while trying to download Playstation 2 cheats for Operation. Cheney will set an unofficial masters record for the half-marathon around the Washington Mall before collapsing face down in the Reflecting Pool.
June-yah will immediately appoint his brother, Jeb, to be his running mate in the November election. The Bush dynasty will become a reality when the 22nd amendment to the U.S. Constitution, limiting presidents to two terms, is repealed by decree under the Homeland Security Act, and the Bushes import a few of Vlady "the democrat" Putin’s political advisers to assist with the electoral process.
Tapping into the true essence of modern America, the Bushes will mobilize a new legion of voters and walk to a presidential landslide by offering Wal-Mart coupons for everyone who votes using the ballots thoughtfully provided by Emperor Bush’s Russian associates.
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