| "G-men? I haven’t heard that term in a while." So says a mysterious femme fatale character played by Vanessa Angel in the recent flick G-Men From Hell (2000).
She’s got a point. The term, short for "government men" and usually referring to federal agents, has fallen into serious disuse. There was a time when you’d hear the phrase constantly, usually in movies pitting said agents against Al Capone, bootleggers, racketeers and other such colourful slouch-hatted criminals. Today, the term has a delightfully retro feel to it.
G-Men (1935): This acclaimed based-on-fact crime saga gives viewers the chance to see everybody’s favourite gangster, James Cagney, on the right side of the law for a change.
Junior G-Men (1940): Huntz Hall and the rest of the Dead End Kids join the fight against crime and terrorism in this cliff-hanger serial. Followed by Junior G-Men of the Air (1942).
G-Men Never Forget (1947): Now this is a terrific serial. Clayton Moore (The Lone Ranger himself) stars as G-man Ted O’Hara, hot on the trail of underworld kingpin Victor Murkland (Roy Barcroft). Little does O’Hara realize that, to quote the video box, "the man he’s after is as close as a handshake." Murkland has kidnapped the police commissioner, and has undergone plastic surgery to look just like him. Now, the man O’Hara reports to is the very criminal he’s trying to root out. Every time O’Hara gets a lead on a crime, he reports his suspicions to "the commissioner," who slyly informs his cronies that the jig is up. Naturally, by the time O’Hara and his G-men arrive, the bad guys are long gone.
Great stunt work, a fast pace, and terrifically imaginative cliff-hanger scenarios bolster this intriguing plot. Thrill to the dramatic conclusion of chapter one, as O’Hara tries to outrun a wall of water, racing his motorbike through an about-to-be-flooded tunnel. (Just try not to be too disappointed with the lame way he gets out of it at the start of chapter two.)
G-Men From Hell (2000): How could I pass up a title like this? William Forsythe and Tate Donovan star as agents Dean Crept and Mike Mattress in this bemusing retro-funky adaptation of a comic book by Mike Allred of Madman fame. Panels from Allred’s comic bring us up to speed on the duo’s origin during the title sequence, as Crept and Mattress go down in a hail of hot lead and wind up in hell. Sadly the pace goes all the way back to first gear after this, as we go through some comparatively mundane steps with the resurrected duo setting up a private-eye business. Why spend so much time on familiar banalities like this, only to race through all the clever, bizarre stuff at the end? Stuff like mad scientists, killer robots, living puppets, and a neurotic, costumed vigilante known as Cheetah Man?
The elements of a terrific cult flick are all here, but they just never seem to gel. I should be able to enjoy a scene of a sassy Hispanic zombie getting immobilized by our heroes, but instead I keep thinking "Hey, you can’t freeze people solid with a fire extinguisher." If the movie worked a little harder on capturing a consistently quirky mood (like Allred’s comics do) then it would be easier to suspend disbelief.
Still, this DVD has a few things going for it. It’s cheap ($6.88), feature-packed (including an amusingly gushy commentary from Mike Allred and Allred’s entire first feature Astroesque (1996) thrown in as a bonus), and is certainly weird enough to be memorable. The cast is a treat too, with many familiar faces in the unlikeliest of roles. Gary Busey as a bullying, homosexual cop. Bobcat Goldthwait as a counterfeiter-turned-cyborg. David Huddleston (the big Lebowski from the film, er, well, you know) as a mad scientist. Paul Rodriguez as a mouthy zombie. Best of all is Robert Goulet – perfectly sinister and suave as the devil himself.
J-Men Forever. (1979): Firesign Theater’s magnum opus is a little tough to find these days, but is well worth the effort. Classic black-and-white serials such as Fighting Devil Dogs and The Crimson Ghost are edited together and redubbed into a truly inspired comedy. Go, J-Men. |
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