| The Christmas season is upon us. That means sugar cookies, decorated trees and a merciless marketing offensive on the part of the music industry to make us buy Christmas records.
I love Christmas carols – probably even more than the next guy – and while there are a few gems to be found in this batch of holiday cheer, the Scrooge in me bids a hearty "bah humbug" to some of the worst holiday fare I have ever heard. That said, here is the second annual Fast Forward guide to Christmas music.
Best new addition: Various Artists – Christmas Remixed: Holiday Classics Re-Grooved (Six Degrees). This collection of vintage carols remixed by some of today’s finest producers may initially seem unorthodox (Dan the Automator’s remix of Dean Martin’s "Jingle Bells" is almost unrecognizable), but ultimately it’s a lot of fun. Remixes of Bing Crosby, Duke Ellington and Kay Starr are great, but the Shrift remix of "It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" performed by Andy Williams is, for me, a new holiday standard.
The Old Man Potter lifetime achievement award for sucking the life out of the holidays: Whitney Houston – One Wish: The Holiday Album (Arista). The stop-start adult contemepo version of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" is almost forgivable, the excessive use of wind chimes to designate holiday spirit is to be expected, but the faux funk-scat breakdown of "Little Drummer Boy" is proof that there isn’t a Santa Claus. Whitney, the song is over – will you please stop singing?
Gonna find out whose crappy and nice: Various Artists – Maybe this Christmas Too? (Nettwerk) Lisa Hannigan’s overwrought a cappella re-working of "Silent Night" is a weepy snoozer, but Guster’s upbeat "Donde Esta Santa Claus?" is a wonderful stocking-stuffer surprise.
Surprise! I’m a sap: Micheal Bublé – Christmas Limited Edition (Reprise). This limited edition EP features jazzy takes (with a delivery swiped directly from the Harry Connick Jr. playbook) on some classic numbers made famous by the ghosts of crooners past. The arrangements are a perfect blend of syrupy schmaltz and sugary sentiment – especially his rendition of Mel Torme’s "The Christmas Song."
The new old reliable: Various Artists – Mistletoe and Merriment (EMI). Bring on the classics – with holiday standards re-created by some of the greatest crooners of all time, this compilation is an easy sell. From the drunken egg nog warble of Dean Martin to the bowlful-of-jelly keys of Jimmy Smith, this album is a well-packaged Christmas party waiting to happen.
Oddest musical decision: Pavlo – Frostbite: Music for the Holidays (Sleeping Giant). Fans of Latin percussion will love this, but surprisingly on Pavlo’s version of "Little Drummer Boy" you can barely hear the bongos.
The big surprise: "It Came Upon a Midnight Clear" by Sixpence None the Richer – Maybe This Christmas Too? (Nettwerk). Who expected these one hit wonders to knock one out of the park for Christmas? Not me – but they do.
The diamond in the shit: "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" by Ruben Studdard and Tamyra Gray – American Idol: The Great Holiday Classics (RCA). The act of wading through 13 tracks of overwrought carols by manufactured pop stars is the kind of thing that makes Charlie Brown want to give up on Christmas. Somehow, though, Studdard and Gray capture the quiet charm and epic sweep of this particular number, leaving their fellow idols out in the cold.
A down-home Christmas: Various Artists – A Very Special Acoustic Christmas (Lost Highway). This instalment in the Very Special Christmas series features such country heavyweights as Ricky Skaggs, Willie Nelson and Reba McEntire. Look out for the banjo ho-down version of "Jingle Bells" by Earl Scruggs.
The lump of coal: Jethro Tull – The Jethro Tull Christmas Album (Fuel 2000). Quite simply, the worst idea ever. Rarely is a musical endeavour so singularly misguided. Someone should tell these guys that playing Christmas melodies over watered-down bass-heavy prog-metal doesn’t make it festive. If song titles like "We Five Kings," "Greensleeved" and "Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow" don’t turn you off, the urgently shrill flute will. No extra points for writing their own material.
Best reissue: Various Artists – Yule Be Miserable (Verve) This ode to how terrible the holidays can be has some real gems like "Christmas Blues" by Ramsey Lewis and "’Zat You Santa Claus" by Louis Armstrong. In fact, the only misstep is the inclusion of Aaron Neville among vintage blues-jazz greats.
The true meaning of Christmas?: "Hey Santa" by Ashanti – Ashanti’s Christmas (Universal). It’s difficult listening to Ashanti beg Santa for a diamond bracelet and convertible car for Christmas when she will no doubt make more on this record than I will in my lifetime.
Mom approved: Various Artists – Gotta Love the Holidays (Warner). I may not be a big fan of Elton John or Celine Dion, but I know someone who would be more than happy to take this off my hands.
Give the gift of double entendre: "Christmas Time" by Lil’ Ed & the Imperials – A Genuine Houserockin’ Christmas (Alligator). "Things you do to me/ make my Christmas swell/ from the top of my tree/ to my jingle bells." Not since Dean Martin used an unexpected snowstorm to get into some girl’s pants have the holidays been so horribly soiled. Lil’ Ed pleads for nookie using tired lick-my-candy-cane metaphors, and all under the guise of Christmas.
The ghost of Christmas past: Crash Test Dummies – Jingle All The Way (Koch). It’s not often you hear Christmas carols that are flat-out creepy. Released last year, their version of "Jingle Bells" is more of a gothic chiller than holiday fave. |
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