| This week: movie monsters that are more-or-less spherical.
· Madballs: Escape From Orb (1986) – Not many of you will remember this, but back in the mid-’80s, a disturbed toy company decided to take an ordinary child’s plaything (a simple ball) and make it grotesque. The "Madballs" line was a half-dozen or so ugly rubber balls with names like "Screaming Mimi" and "Skull Face." Most of them had misshapen human faces. A comic book followed, along with this direct-to-video thing. I actually know of a place in town where I can rent this tape – but I’m not gonna.
· The Dark Crystal (1982) – Fans of this creepy Jim Henson fantasy will recall Fizzgig, the furry little pet of the gelfling heroine. The little hairball startled the hell out of us when its tiny little mouth suddenly became a huge fang-encrusted maw as it screamed a warning at the movie’s protagonist. This proves that every living creature in The Dark Crystal, even the cute fuzzy pets, is an unnerving aberration of nature. Fizzgig lacks limbs and gets from place to place by rolling around like a bowling ball.
· Freaked (1993) – This extremely strange comedy has enough bizarre creatures for dozens of movies – including the dog-faced boy (Keanu Reeves), the bearded lady (Mr. T.) and sockhead (Bobcat Goldthwait). All are mutations created by an evil sideshow owner (Randy Quaid) who employs a pair of uzi-toting rastafarian eyeballs to keep the peace. Wait, did that sound weird? I’ll describe it again. Whenever any of the enslaved freaks try to escape Quaid’s theme park, two gun-wielding eyeballs (midgets in suits, I think) step out of the giant Randy Quaid head in the centre of the park, and round them up while muttering "Airee, mon" in a Jamaican accent. Believe it or not, the rest of the movie is actually 12 times weirder than this.
· Monsters Inc. (2001) – While we’re on the topic of giant walking eyeballs, we can’t overlook the ever-charming Mike Wazowski (Billy Crystal) from this animated Pixar favourite. (Incidentally, an eyeball creature also shows up in The Crawling Eye (1958), but it’s quite blobby and tentacley, and not nearly spherical enough for this list.)
· Phantasm (1979) – This imaginative horror classic unfolds with the surreal logic of a nightmare. Particularly memorable is the fist-sized chrome steel ball that flies down the mortuary’s corridors, looking for intruders. Whether you found it scary, funny or fascinating, you could never forget it. More of these spherical horrors turned up in the three sequels.
· Glitterball (1977) – A space alien that looks like a small silver ball lands in England and is befriended by some young boys, who feed it and assist it in its quest to return home. My memories of this U.K.-lensed children’s fantasy are fading, but I recall a scene in which the ball eats some potato chips. (Oh, excuse me – "crisps.") Hey, wait a minute… could this film have been the inspiration for both Phantasm and E.T. The Extra Terrestrial?
· Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) – Hey, a giant breast!
· Critters (1986) – Alien killer furballs. Possibly the spawn of Fizzgig.
· Big Trouble in Little China (1986) – Jack Burton (Kurt Russell) has already seen some pretty freaky shit by the time he’s wandering the enchanted catacombs beneath Chinatown, but even Jack has his limits. When a revolting ball-shaped creature covered with eyes floats into view, he whines, "What the hell is that?" When the thing starts speaking in the voice of evil Chinatown overlord Lo Pan (James Hong), Burton decides to plant a few 9mm slugs in it, causing it to flee. "Hey, you never know ’til you try," he shrugs.
· Dark Star (1974) – John Carpenter’s directorial debut features an unforgettable "alien" consisting of a beach ball with claws. The fact that Carpenter doesn’t try to make the creature any more realistic than this is part of the appeal. Fans love this thing.
· Drunken Wu Tang (1983) – Words cannot describe just how insane this movie is. When you see a silver-haired granny whip out a sword the size of a dinner table, you won’t even blink because you’re still reeling from the scene where the professional mourner goes into battle dressed as a giant penis. Still, all this is nothing compared to the Watermelon Monster. You see, the kung fu granny has hidden a sacred document behind a fiendishly elaborate set of booby traps, including a flaming coal pit, moving walls and bamboo spikes. The last line of defence between any would-be thieves and the parchment is a hyperactive spherical monstrosity known as the Watermelon Monster. This ludicrous beastie is every bit as fake-looking as the alien from DARK STAR, but much more animated, with its glowing eyes, gnashing teeth, and extendable antennae/tentacles. It runs around chomping at intruders’ groins while chattering excitedly, and whipping its wiry tentacles all over the place.
The cast, crew and characters of Drunken Wu Tang also appear in one of my all-time favourite movies, Shaolin Drunkard (1983), which is an even better and stranger flick than this one. |
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