| An ancient document, believed to be the diary of Godzilla, was recently unearthed near Japan. Some edited highlights follow:
Sunday, 2,000,000 B.C.: Alarm clock goes off. Hit snooze button and go back to sleep.
1954 A.D. (A.D.? What the hell does that mean?): Awakened again by atomic explosion. Try to go back to sleep, but now I'm all mutated ’n’ stuff, and can't fit in my bed anymore. Pop over to the human encampment known as "Tokyo" for a quick word. (Try the train. It's delicious!)
1955: Decide to visit Tokyo again. Man, I love crushing buildings. I could do this for hours. Smash! The humans are a million laughs, especially since they're not allowed to call me Godzilla for obscure legal reasons. They keep yelling "Look out! It's Gigantis, the Fire Monster, who in no way resembles Godzilla – a registered trademark." And by then it's too late. I'm definitely coming back here someday.
1956: The movie starring my predecessor gets dubbed into English, and re-edited to include Raymond Burr. It's a hit. I ask my agent when the sequel – starring me! – will get a North American release. He says he'll get back to me. I guess my movie career is over. Oh well, I knew it couldn't last. After all, how many times can the viewing public want to see giant monsters destroying cities?
1962: Get the living crap beaten out of me by some guy in an ape suit who claims to be King Kong. My agent says he'll spread a rumour that I actually won the fight, but that kind of childish spin-doctoring does nothing to soothe my injured pride. Buy a Soloflex and start working out. I never want to lose a fight again!
1965: My agent suggests that I become a good guy. If I can bump up my Q rating a bit, he says I've got a shot at a professional wrestling career. What the hell, let's give it a try.
1966: Pro wrestling is more fun than I thought. This is the life! One embarrasing footnote – somebody found footage of me dancing at my sister's wedding, and it made it into the final cut of Monster Zero. Aaaargh!
1967: Man, have I been busy. Giant maggots, three-headed dragons, enormous shrimp... every two-bit, hunk-of-rubber monster on the planet wants a piece of me. Well, gotta keep at it, I suppose. After all, I'm a father now.
1972: A new script called Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster shows up on my desk. My agent thinks it's a great idea for me to become a spokesmonster for ecological concerns.
"Sure, I'll do it... but only if I get to fly in the movie," I say.
"Fly? What do you mean, fly?"
"You know, fly. Through the air."
"How the hell are you supposed to fly? You don't have any wings, Einstein."
I get grouchy. "I dunno. That's your problem! Maybe I use my atomic breath or something…. Just put it in there, or forget about the movie – it's a deal-breaker."
1975: To hell with this crap. After 20 years and 15 movies, I’ve had enough. I'm retiring.
1985: I'm back! I asked my agent how we're gonna incorporate the back-story from all those stupid sequels. He said it's better if we just ignore them all, and start fresh with me as a Tokyo-stomping bad guy again. Suits me!
1993: Jeez, what a week. The humans found a baby Godzilla in an egg in Rodan's nest. (I knew that drunken tryst would come back to haunt me.) I go over to pick up my kid and that bitch Rodan gets all overprotective. We have a custody battle that flattens half the city. Then the humans study baby and find out (are you ready for this?) that I have a second brain in my ass. Seriously. They spend the rest of the movie (Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II) trying to shoot me in the ass-brain. (All this time, I thought it was a cyst....)
1995: Woke up with a fever of 1170 C. That ain't good. I'm glowing red, my spines are melting, and I'm steaming like a fresh cow-pie. Hope it's just indigestion.
2000: Dear Diary, I found this journal, and decided to keep writing in it myself. (My predecessor melted down at the end of Godzilla vs. Destroyah.) An agent showed up today, and asked if I wanted to star in a Godzilla movie.
"You mean like the one with Matthew Broderick?" I asked.
"No, no. A good one," he assures me. "We'll call it Godzilla 2000."
I think it over. "OK, but only if I get to do one more sequel afterwards."
"Sure, but we'll only show that one in Japan (Godzilla vs. Megaguirus: G-Eradication Operation). Whaddya say?"
"Hmmmm.… Where do I sign?" |
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