| On a cold, snowy Sunday morning in April, Alberta’s aspiring singers were given a shot at their big break. Earlier, American Idol judges arrived in the hinterlands we call home on a private jet to….
Oh, Canadian Idol, right. Canadian Idol judges arrived on the Greyhound from Moosamin earlier that morning. Rumour has it one of them is really cutting and sarcastic – just like nasty Simon on the real show.
Five hundred brave souls faced dream-shattering critiques of their karaoke-honed voices while 500 more were handed wristbands for the next day’s auditions. Good Listener cornered the end of that 1000-strong lineup in hopes of convincing them to do their homeland proud by performing Canadian songs for the tryout judges. That and to give them a taste of what they’re in for from the nasty judge.
Good Listener: Have you got what it takes to….
Sarah, 23: Oh! Do I ever!
GL: Do you have to sing a Canadian song for the Canadian Idol audition?
S: You don’t have to, but I am – Celine Dion.
GL: Can I convince you to do a different Canadian song – one not requiring hand gestures?
S: Like what?
GL: Something by Trooper?
S: Trooper? Can you sing it?
GL: "Here they come, the boys in the bright white sports car, wavin’ their arms in the air, who do they think they are?"
S: Ha ha ha! I’m a country girl so that’s pretty strange to me. Celine Dion is pushing it. I should really do Shania Twain.
GL: Me too – hubba hubba! What will you do if you get chosen?
S: I’ll go to Toronto. In my music video I’d put my art up because I’m an artist. Everybody would want to buy it because I would be the Canadian Idol.
GL: What kind of art?
S: It’s abstract realism.
Good Listener as the nasty judge: Your realism would have to be abstract for you to think you’re going to win this!
Good Listener: Have you sung before?
Tonya, 21: I sang with a choir until I was 18.
GL: What will you be singing today?
T: Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey.
GL: Two of our better-known Canadian artists.
T: Yeah, ha ha ha.
GL: If you had to sing a Canadian song, what would it be?
T: Somebody that has a really big range who can hit the high ones because that’s where my voice is.
Good Listener as the nasty judge: You must be high if you think you’re going to win this.
Good Listener: Why are you here?
Dana, 23: I always wanted to try something with my singing.
GL: By "trying something," do you mean like a bank heist?
D: No, trying to get somewhere. Currently I run a karaoke show at a bar in Bowden. They’re all calling me Miss Canadian Idol at the hotel. Ha ha ha!
GL: What will you be singing?
D: Jewel, "You Were Meant For Me" and "Travelin’ Soldier," The Dixie Chicks.
GL: Can I talk you into doing a Canadian song?
D: If you can tell me one and I can learn it by tomorrow.
GL: Kim Mitchell’s "Patio Lanterns," Gordon Lightfoot’s "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald."
D: Tom Cochrane! How about "Life is a Highway"?
GL: Now you’re talkin’!
D: I gotta go.
Good Listener as the nasty judge: Two words: road kill.
Good Listener: Have you waited all your life for this opportunity?
Courtney, 20: For sure.
GL: What if this doesn’t work out?
C: There are different opportunities. I just thought this would be the quickest.
GL: What will you be singing?
C: My first tune will be "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" and if I get to the second one it’d be "O Canada."
GL: That’s a Canadian song, isn’t it? How would you describe your version?
C: I have a really unique voice so, uh, Courtney style.
Good Listener as the nasty judge: While you do a decent job of "O Canada," it’s rumoured that your dead husband Kurt actually wrote it.
Good Listener: Will you be singing a Canadian song for the Canadian Idol judges?
Allison, 24: I will be performing "Peace On Earth" by Lee Aaron, the Canadian Metal Queen.
GL: Why?
A: That’s my style.
GL: Second choice?
A: "Miles Away" by Winger.
GL: How would you describe your style?
A: I grew up singing in church so….
GL: Churchy?
A: Yes, churchy! Ha ha ha!
GL: Please sing a few bars of "Peace On Earth."
A: "We are the children, every life so precious, sometimes I think that God will soon forget us."
GL: That had God in it!
A: Churchy! Ha ha ha!
Good Listener as the nasty judge (with grudging respect): Yo dawg! You brought it! Now don't let that lightning bolt hit you in your devil-worshipping ass on the way out.
Good Listener is a monthly column devoted to eavesdropping. |
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