| One thing that home video has taught us is that beautiful practitioners of the black arts cannot perform their most potent rites while encumbered by clothing. When summoning demonic energies, stripping down is clearly the way to go.
Sorceress (1994): This erotic "supernatural thriller" stars Julie Strain as a buxom modern-day witch who casts deadly curses for fun and profit. In the film's opening moments, we see one of Julie's victims crash his car under the influence of her malevolent sorcery.
Julie's technique is of particular interest – she accomplishes her voodoo by getting naked and oiling up her massive breasts. A few moans and hip gyrations later, her victim's fate is sealed. Clearly, Julie's boobs have eldritch power over the forces of life and death. (I always suspected this was the case. Nice to see my theory proven.)
Naturally, the controversy about films like Sorceress comes from the fear that impressionable young women might be tempted to emulate Julie's character and attempt to solve their problems by rapturously massaging their nipples. I say, hey, you never know until you try.
Blood Sabbath (1972): Perhaps Julie learned her methods from watching this ludicrous softcore artifact from the early ’70s. It's loaded with black magic rites, all of which involve naked chicks flailing around.
General Hospital's Tony Geary plays David, a wandering moron who gets chased out of his campsite by a bunch of horny naked women. (Don't you hate it when that happens? Me neither.) He falls and bonks his head, so it's possible that what happens in the rest of the film is all a dream. When he comes to, he falls in love with Yyala (Susan Damante), a magical water-nymph with a bad wig. Yyala can't love David in return because he has a soul, so he gets Alotta, Queen of the Witches (played by Ilsa herself, Dyanne Thorne!) to remove it for him. Alotta casts spells by getting her half-dozen or so assistant witches to dance naked in a circle. She casts a lot of spells.
It's surprising just how versatile topless dancing is. Are you trying to win the love of a bewigged immortal who can't act? Try some naked women. Need to enslave a drippy soap opera star? Naked women. Wanna make somebody decapitate a priest for you? More naked women. There's nothing they can't do. They're even useful for chasing morons away from campsites.
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973): OK, so this film doesn't really contain any black magic at all, but it does show that getting naked can be just as useful when you're a giant honeybee in voluptuous human form, using super-science and bee know-how to accomplish the impossible.
Terror grips a small town when the men-folk all start dying from too much nookie. It becomes apparent that the women are being transformed into human bees capable of literally loving their mates to death. Any man who comes close to uncovering the bees’ dastardly plot gets shtupped to death (except for a gay scientist, who is run over with a car instead.)
The process of recruiting new bee girls is a fascinating one. The human female is stripped nude (yay!), and in a trance-like state she is led into the futuristic looking transformation chamber. After much button-pushing, beeping and blinking lights, the gal is covered with glop. Then, hundreds of bees fill the chamber, cocooning the lass.
She emerges naked – with multi-faceted compound eyes – and anxious for fatal coitus. At some point during the process, the attendant bee girls all open their tops and massage their breasts, just to make sure.
After all, if there's one thing we've learned today, it's that boobie massage gets the job done. |
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