| And so it came to pass, a moral and intellectual guardian has been appointed to protect all the citizens of the world from the vile pus seeping from the United States.
It came as such a relief to know I would no longer be forced to endure the ghastly poetry of Robert Frost and Sylvia Plath. No more will I be subjected to the butchery of words committed by such inept hacks as F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ken Kesey and Richard Ford. The likes of Al Pacino, Steve Buscemi and Jimmy Stewart no longer befouls my eyes and ears with their consistently putrid acting talents. As a matter of fact my ears have rejoiced to know that George Gershwin, Chet Baker, Louis Armstrong, Pearl Jam and the Beastie Boys can no longer torture them with the incoherent and awful goat bleats that pass for music.
It is such a great feeling to know that if we ban U.S. cultural exports and no longer have to accept their citizens into our midst for business or pleasure, we can all get along. After all, we account for an overwhelming three per cent of their exports. The 80 per cent or so of our exports that wind up in the U.S. can now go to such luminaries and humanistic countries like France and Germany. I do feel sorry for France, though – what can replace Jerry Lewis? Oh well, I guess they’ll just have to compensate by using their unfailingly polite Secret Service to go and sink more Greenpeace ships in foreign countries. If that’s not the case, I’m sure they can increase their trade with wholly democratic and fair-minded regimes like Iraq. Hey, France was so successful with their buddies in Germany that between the two of them they were able to export over $3 billion worth of goods to Iraq despite the pesky UN resolutions.
And we Canadians can now quit fretting about things like tolerance and open-mindedness. After all, by closing our borders we don’t have to put up with that endless chatter of U.S. media commentators like Noam Chomsky. I sure don’t want to hear all that garbage about free speech and self-examination anymore. I just wish that the U.S. could be more like the rest of the world. When Europe started this whole reality TV thing a few years ago in the late ’80s with their original version of Big Brother, I guess they must have been doing it right, because nobody likes the U.S. stuff. My pals and me are too enamoured with reruns of Adrienne Clarkson Presents and Seeing Things to even bother. With no U.S. bully around, we can act like a true independent country and dither on endlessly about our humanitarian principles and our everyday values. Look at all the nice reservations we set up for our native people – if only other countries would be as nice to their own natives as we were, there would be no poverty, right?
My tiny pea-brain is starting to hurt, but I am going to struggle to put out one last thought which betrays my working class origins and belief in letting people decide what is right and wrong and what is good and bad. Mr. Bright – take down the Che Gueverra poster from your wall and blow it out your ass!
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