Review
BOAT TRIP
Starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Horatio Sanz, Roselyn Sanchez
Directed by Mort Nathan
Opens Friday, March 21
Check listings
Cut off your head and punch yourself in the crotch a couple of times, because you’ll need to build up your tolerance for pain and mindlessness before you watch Boat Trip.
Seriously, who in Hollywood said, "Brains be damned! Let’s make the worst movie since Snow Dogs!"?
Jerry (Cuba Gooding Jr.) and Nick (Horatio Sanz) are two straight guys trapped on an ocean liner full of gay men. They really want to get off – as in "off the boat" – but first they’ll have to survive four days with people who don’t share their sexual orientation. The 80 minutes of blatantly homophobic "jokes" you have to squirm through are justified by four minutes of serious conversation with a "normal" gay guy (as opposed to the rest, who are ass-raping, chaps-and-cowboy-hat-wearing sex fiends). And when a boatload of fantastically attractive Swedish bimbos shows up in a life raft, you’ll wish for a frontal lobotomy. Not only do you get to enjoy homophobia, you’ll get a hearty helping of objectification and sexism, too.
Certainly, the members of the bikini-clad Swedish sunbathing team appeal to the lowest common denominator (and me), but would the lowest common denominator go to a movie about a boatload of "homos"? Doubtful.
With any luck, pain and shame will fall upon the actors unfortunate enough to "star" in this movie. Cuba Gooding Jr., who on occasion appears in tolerable films like As Good as It Gets, has decided to begin pounding more Snow Dogs-shaped nails into his career’s coffin. Conversely, Horatio Sanz’s career can be declared stillborn, since it failed to escape the toxic womb of Saturday Night Live alive.
Roger Moore – whose agent’s head, I’m certain, is on a spike on Moore’s front lawn – has a lot to explain. What the hell is he doing in such a horrible movie, playing a violently gay British man in love with Sanz? Why would one of the many actors who has played James Bond ever want to be associated with a film this foul? Is he broke? Dads across the nation will weep knowing he’d fall this low after saving the world so many times.
Even the sight gags are stupid in this movie. Penis-shaped fountains carved out of ice! Plastic prosthetic erections! Oral sex on old ladies! Boys kissing, even! How much more absurdity can we take?
So, get your shovels. It’s time to bury a few dead careers. The stench of Boat Trip is horrible. |
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