| There's a whole lot of stuff going on in The Sword and the Dragon (a.k.a. Ilya Mourometz, 1956), a Russo-Finnish fantasy epic from The Day the Earth Froze director Alexander Ptushko. It's a lavishly produced number, filmed in colour and, according to one of my sources, originally in 3D, with scenic locations, vast armies on horseback, mythical beasts and 106,000 extras!
The film looks more than a little creaky nowadays, but there's still fun to be had from this tale of 11th century folk hero Ilya Mourometz.
Ilya's a big, beefy, whiskery guy in a country that likes its heroes big, beefy and whiskery. He doesn't look heroic when we first see him, as he's gazing sadly out his window while bad guys attack his village. (He'd like to charge outside and help, but his legs don't work.)
For no reason whatsoever, a trio of wanderers visit what's left of Ilya's village and decide to cure the big guy's paralysis. (Everybody in this movie seems to have a limitless supply of magic stuff that they want to give away to strangers. "Hey, here's some magic dew that will make your legs work! We've been lugging around the legendary sword of Invincor for hundreds of years now.… Why don't you take it? Oh wait... here's a weedy-looking little pony that will grow into a giant superhorse!" Etc.)
Full of beans now that he's mobile, Ilya pisses off to the big city, capturing a "wind demon" on the way. (You'll love this wind demon guy. He sits in a tree, bulging his cheeks out like a bionic chipmunk while trees and assorted debris fly around at 500 m.p.h.) Arriving at the palace, he gives the wind demon to a local monarch as a gift. ("Just what I wanted! A hairy goblin with Dizzy Gillespie cheeks who can flatten a city block with one sneeze! Thanks!")
On a roll now, Ilya insults a visiting Tulgar emissary, and declares war on the kingdom's behalf. I thought this was a little presumptuous of the big guy, but he's promptly proclaimed a hero. The prince, Ilya and some other guy clasp hands and vow to be friends forever (another one of those spur-of-the-moment things), and promise to fight to the death for the next good cause that comes along. Seriously.
Well, a lot of things happen after that, but none of it is as cool or exciting as that wind demon guy. Ilya gets married, then thrown into jail for two decades on the advice of a backstabbing schemer. Once he gets out, he battles a Tulgar warrior, whose life he spares when he realizes the Tulgar is his own son. Meanwhile, the audience is shifting around, muttering "Isn't there supposed to be a dragon in this movie?"
Finally, the Tulgar hordes swarm upon the castle, and the movie gets good again. The Tulgar captain orders his men to form a huge human pyramid and rides his horse to the top of it in order to get a good look at the enemy's position. Then he orders his pet three-headed fire-breathing dragon to attack. Oh yeah!
This is one goofy-looking dragon. I mean, it's as impressive as hell, but it's the same kind of impressive as watching the Loose Moose Theatre version of Ben-Hur, complete with chariot race. The final effect isn't exactly convincing, but the fact that they attempted it at all is amazing. Definitely a cool way to end the film.
The video version of this movie includes useless framing narration intended to make the film more accessible for modern audiences. In it, a kid checks a book out of the library and starts reading it. When the film ends, he tells his parents what a cool book it was. Yes, it's that pointless and awful, but that's why we have fast-forward buttons. |
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