| Obtaining drinks in many of the busy bars and nightclubs around our city can, at times, present challenges or frustrations that act as significant roadblocks to the enjoyment of our precious few hours of leisure time.
Leaving your friends, fighting through a crowd and jockeying for position in an uncertain queue amidst people of highly varying degrees of impairment is just not fun. The longer this process takes, the more impatient you become – after all, you’ve been standing around, your whole bloody night on hold, and god-only-knows where your friends have gotten to since you left them, and it’s hot, and you didn’t wait in line for an hour outside this hole just to jump right into another line to watch this incompetent fool behind the bar ignore you because, damn it, you were here before that woman he’s serving, and… suddenly you find yourself whistling loudly at the incompetent fool.
The incompetent fool doesn’t like this. I know because I am that incompetent fool, and I have often seen individuals who are – and remain –very sober and very thirsty leaning over my bar and whistling loudly. I can only assume these unfortunate souls have lost their dogs, and my dealings with them rarely extend beyond wishing them luck in the recovery of their beloved pets.
Whistling is but one of the many ways to ensure you spend the evening drinkless. Another ineffective tactic is one I call "the lean." Those employing this strategy approach the bar at speed and violently slam into it, causing their upper bodies to thrust dramatically toward the bartender as they fix their gaze in a manner that suggests they have isolated their server’s heat signature and achieved missile lock. These individuals typically exude a sense of urgency that might well be appropriate if the bar being tended were an oxygen bar in close proximity to a sour gas leak. In a more conventional bar, however, this look simply suggests a vicious form of alcoholism and the compassionate server will take steps to aid these poor souls in pacing themselves.
Others have sought to curry my favour by ringing ice cubes off my head. Now, I am not a big or especially tough man. I am of a relatively calm, dispassionate nature and my abhorrence of violence has been cultured by years of watching booze-addled imbeciles disfigure one another in disputes over such weighty issues as who has the most extensive beer can collection. But, make no mistake – if you attempt to secure my attention by throwing something at me, I will glass you.
It really doesn’t have to be this way. With attention to a few common sense rules of conduct, you and I can do away with all the shouting, the shaking and crying, the recriminations and frantic 9-1-1 calls, and start enjoying bars and nightclubs as centres of frolicsome, boozy fun.
It is really easy to secure my services. Here’s an experiment that some of you potential ice-cube-hurlers might want to try:
FLASH YOUR MONEY
Stand at the bar with money in your hand. Do not speak, wave, snap your fingers, whistle, throw things or otherwise gesticulate toward the bartender. Make your money visible, then feel free to relax and converse with friends, enjoy listening to the music, watch a little television, or simply let your mind drift to that happy place where dancing candy canes reel about under a papaya sky as frisky chipmunks fiddle folksy tunes. There is really only one reason for you to be standing at the bar with money in your hand. Your bartender will understand what it is you’re after and, amidst the sea of frenzied morons, identify you as an oasis of sanity and reward you with prompt service.
After mastering this elementary skill, those who are feeling particularly ambitious may want to experiment further. Here are a few other suggestions for those interested in cultivating a slightly more aristocratic social persona.
PLEASE & THANK YOU
Try using the word "please." Do the same with the phrase "thank you."
READY, SET, ORDER
Have some idea what it is you want from your bartender – the most dedicated shouters and arm-wavers are frequently at an utter loss as to why they have been shouting and arm-waving, having no idea what they would like to drink. Please save all the hand wringing and psychic turmoil that attend choosing between an Old Stock and a rye-ball for the social anthropologists who will surely be dropping by your home for a visit in the near future.
COLD CASH
Use your bankcard before you come to the bar. Busy bartenders perform a sort of triage, and those clutching bankcards are often shuffled to the back of the line. I can serve 10 other customers in the time it takes you to drunkenly fumble with the debit machine keypad – the time I invest in this exercise breeds impatience in my other customers, costs the bar money in lost sales, and costs me money in lost tips. You should also spare me your tirade against current banking technology when the "insufficient funds" message pops up – I really don’t care why you don’t have money. The guy standing at the bar with cash in his hand does and it is high time I got that individual the drink he deserves.
IMPORTANT TIP
Tipping is more than just a fun activity involving cows. Consider tipping. Go on, you can do it! Servers are typically required to tip out a certain percentage of their sales to support staff – food runners, door personnel, cooks, etc. – and often to management. If you repeatedly fail to tip, you become a financial burden to your server and may find yourself in the midst of an unexpected drought.
HANDS OFF
Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to fondle your server. Many bars employ security personnel, but they are mere kittens in comparison with a waitress wronged. These women have encountered many of your type and, lest you crave the experience of being crushed beneath a drink tray expertly wielded in the fashion of a Viking war hammer, you would do well to behave yourself. Smile, tip generously, and allow these hard-working women to earn their livings with the dignity to which they are entitled.
YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL
Please understand that your birthday is not a sacred or special day to me. Your bar tab will not be shredded, drinking hours will not be extended and I most certainly will not be leaping onto the bar to perform crazy birthday songs in your honour. I am frequently asked, "Do I get free drinks on my birthday?" While such a question might be appropriate in the sort of establishment where one is entertained by animatronic rodents or smiling clowns, it is out of place in a bar. My answer is always, "Yes, your friends should see to it that you don’t pay for a drink all night." I will, for my part, find some way to mark the occasion of your birth. It is likely that I will pour myself a stiff shot, pause to consider the day when another small quantity of our collective dignity was carved away, and then down the medicine that allows me to deal with the sad spectacle of your self-abasement.
JUST DRINK IT
Please spare me all the eye-rolling and expressions of disgust that ensue when you discover that I don’t carry Wildcat Strong lager or that I am unfamiliar with the recipe for a "sexy blow-goo cowgirl beach orgy" shooter. As far as the beer goes, I’ll try to find an Extra Old Stock or something of the like for you to wrap your ciggie-stained digits around, and you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that the extra percentage point of alcohol is working to maintain your alcoholic cred. Your shooter order suggests a more complex array of possible character deficiencies and, to be frank, I’m sure I lack the skills or scholarship to fully understand or help you. Anyway, the sad state of your social life is really the least offensive element to such an order. What really irks me is that I feel I am an accomplice to a crime against good taste as I combine the most saccharine and vile liqueurs known to humanity to create a one-ounce homage to your eternal adolescence. Can I top that off with a little whipped cream?
I suppose I could go on detailing the many violations of basic social etiquette that I have encountered, but I suspect that those who have not yet understood are beyond my humble ability to help.
To the great many of you who conduct yourselves with dignity and a sense of social decorum when you’re out and about, thank you. You probably can’t imagine how much a little patience and politeness can do to help someone recover from being hit in the head with an ice cube. To all you buffoons, make an effort to get it together and you may be surprised to find a drink sent your way on your next birthday (provided, of course, that you haven’t asked for it).
Scott Gunning has toiled behind the wood at a number of bars around Calgary for the past 15 years. |
