| Ah, the new year. I think I'll kick it off with a really great column. Feeling a bit rusty after the week off but, hey, no problem. Didn't leave myself much time before deadline either, but that's nothing new. Creative juices should be flowing any minute now.
(Horrifyingly long pause)
Nope. Nothing. This sucks. Time’s a-wasting, and I've got no ideas. Maybe if I just start typing, something'll happen. The average rainfall of the Amazon basin is… fuck-I-don't-know. (pause) Oh great, now I've even stopped spouting nonsense. (burp) Time for another swig of pop. (gulp) Ahhh. Hot in here. Maybe I should start thinking about movies. Or videos. You know, stuff that goes into a column.
Speedy Gonzalez – he's got a tape, and he's the fastest mouse in all Mexico. Guest appearance from Slowpoke Rodriguez, the slowest mouse in all Mexico. Wonder how they sussed that one out? Sure it's easy with Speedy, you just clock him with a radar gun, or have a race, and if nobody can beat his time, he's the fastest mouse. But how do you know who's the slowest? Maybe there's a slower mouse out there, and we're still just waiting for him to show up. I'll bet Speedy could be just as slow if he wanted to.
Well, exhausted that little topic quicker than I thought. Now what? The girl in the calendar right in front of me has beautiful breasts. If I'm not careful, that's probably what I'll start writing about. Ooops. Settle down, John, you've got a whole month to ogle her. That's what happens when you just put up a new calendar – it demands your attention. "Irina," eh? Cute. Maybe she's in a movie, and I can write about it. I'd probably need to know her last name to find out.
(At this point, John pauses to closely scrutinize the above mentioned calendar for any trace of the model’s last name in the fine print. This quickly gives way to staring at the picture again.)
Well, back to typing. I'm not actually going to submit any of this crap, am I? Surely, I'm going to pull myself together and actually write something thoughtful and witty.
(John gets up again to flip through the rest of the calendar.)
What the hell?! None of these women have last names! Jeez, it's like models live in some kind of alternate universe full of hot babes named "Cash" and "Renata" and "Laiz." Were they cloned? Do they have families that need to be protected from the scandal of an innocent little swimsuit calendar? It's not like the girls are actually naked or anything!
Well, OK, Irina is naked... but she's covering herself up. Nothing here you couldn't see on the cover of Rolling Stone. Wow, she's cute though.
(John drifts off again.)
OK, time to definitely start writing for real. Definitely. Write about cool movies and not about Irina with her coy, playful eyes, full lips, touseled dirty-blonde hair... ahem. Here goes.
(pause)
Boy, that Speedy Gonzalez... he sure had a lot of girlfriends, didn't he? For a cartoon? He didn't need a calendar. All the girl mice wanted him. Every now and again, there'd be an episode where he'd be mackin' on some señorita with his guitar, or get pelted with roses from the screaming fans in the bullfighting arena, or something like that.
I wonder how Slowpoke Rodriguez did with the chicks? He's not exactly Mr. Excitement, but he probably picked up a couple of Speedy's rebounds. Speedy would start the relationship fast, end it fast, and speed off to the next girl. I mean, there would have to be hundreds of cast-off females who wanted to spend a little more time with Speedy, but they just couldn't catch him.
Then, while they're moping by the side of the road, Slowpoke Rodriguez would shuffle up and introduce himself. "Hey," all the señoritas would think, "this guy's the exact opposite of Speedy Gonzalez, that little fink! He's the slowest mouse in all Mexico! If he runs away, I can catch him!" Smart mouse, that Slowpoke Rodriguez.
Um, sorry. I'll stop now. |
