| There are certain moments scattered throughout film history that burn themselves permanently into viewers’ minds. For male viewers, many of these moments involve attractive women in swimwear.
With that in mind (mmmm…), let’s gather together 12 such images in time-honoured calendar tradition. This could be the Video Vulture's stupidest idea ever, folks – a swimsuit calendar without the pictures. (Well, OK, one picture.)
January: Raquel Welch from One Million Years, B.C. (1966). Let's kick things off with "the first bikini in history," Raquel's little doeskin number. I defy you to find a single review of the film that doesn't mention it. The poster is much more famous than the film, although both share the same reason for success – namely, "Yowza."
February: Carrie Fisher from Return of the Jedi (1983). I was among the legions of adolescent boys happily shocked by the sight of Princess Leia in a copper bikini. After two movies of being smart, brave and chaste, here was a side of the rebel leader we thought we'd never see. The princess was now a woman.
March: Linda Kozlowski from "Crocodile" Dundee (1986). Enjoying a quiet moment in the Australian outback, Linda shows us a new side to her character: the backside. Peeling off a bit of her fancy-shmancy New York outfit, Ms. Kozlowski models a skimpy black thong, of the variety commonly referred to as "butt floss." Linda's impressed co-star, Paul Hogan, married her in real life.
April: Sybil Danning from Battle Beyond the Stars (1980). A tough decision, this. I knew I had to put the "Queen of the B-Movies" in the calendar someplace, but for which film? There were so many, and Syb looked gorgeous in each one. In the end, I simply had to go with her "Space Valkyrie" costume from this Roger Corman sci-fi fave. It's a white styrofoam bikini with matching headdress, and it makes her look like she's being groped by a polystyrene skeleton. As always, the statuesque Danning maintains her fiery dignity throughout.
May: Bo Derek from 10 (1979). A classic pre-Baywatch slow-motion run on the beach. Now go listen to Ravel's Bolero again.
June: Julie Adams from Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954). With warm weather comes drive-in movie season, the ideal opportunity for some good old-fashioned 3-D starlet ogling. See what a difference underwater photography and a magnificent custom-fit one-piece bathing suit can make?
July: Jacqueline Bisset from The Deep (1977). Now, here's the right way to start a movie – a long, loving gaze at Ms. Bisset's ample bosom, as it strains against the feeble restraints of a clingy wet T-shirt. Watch out for the edited-for-television version, though – they fog out her nipples.
August: Ursula Andress from Dr. No (1962). The first Bond girl rises up from the pounding surf, and the world is never the same again. Now, Halle Berry's doing the same thing in Die Another Day. It's your duty as a guy to go and take notes.
September: Michelle Johnson from Blame it on Rio (1984). Wow. Newcomer Michelle Johnson overcomes her somewhat awkward dialogue delivery by using her supreme ability to wear very little clothing. Her swimsuit is a skimpy little red thing. I think. It's kind of hard to tell without the top. I wish I could be more descriptive here, but whenever I picture Michelle in this movie, brain no work good no more. Sluuuurp.
October: Hottie scuba diver from Zombie (1979). When an unidentified olive-skinned, dark-haired beauty prepares for a swim, the whole movie just stops and watches for a while. She strips down to a little white crocheted G-string, and basks in being the centre of attention. Then she straps on an oxygen tank and goes over the side of the boat. Moments later she sees a zombie eat a shark, which is almost as interesting as what we've just seen.
November: Raquel Welch, again, from Fathom (1967). OK, so Raquel's already been in this calendar once. And nobody's seen Fathom. So why is she back as Miss November? Look at the picture and ask that question again, stupid.
December: Phoebe Cates from Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982). In a scene that turns out to be a self-pleasuring fantasy for Judge Reinhold, Phoebe rises out of the swimming pool in a red swimsuit that can be (oh joy!) opened from the front. She's been in genuine self-pleasuring fantasies ever since. |
