Buzz speaks out
On surprising candidates for Bush’s next target in terrorism fight
Dear President Bush:
Your gang there in the White House looks determined to go down in history for its stubbornness and secrecy. This faithful correspondent may have his own stubborn streak, but I believe that secrecy is the veil of tyranny. While that statement might get me written off as unfriendly and therefore unimportant, you might want to read this entire letter because it reveals just how much casual observers know about your plans for the war on terrorism.
While the world continues to debate whether your beloved U.S. of A. should invade Iraq, me and the boys here in Red Deer, in our eminent political sophistication, have already moved beyond Iraq to discuss who the next target will be.
I was having a hard time with this issue until an early snowfall chased the boys into my farm implement dealership. (You will be glad to hear that the weather this year has proved a greater foe for Alberta farmers than the ridiculous handouts you give our U.S. counterparts.) A little time huddled with the boys gave me a new appreciation for the prospective U.S dance partners in the dance against all agin you. It didn’t take us long to figure out it wasn’t as simple as reciting the names of your charming Axis of Evil – Iran, Iraq and North Korea.
Occupied Iraq would be an ideal staging area for a strike against Iran – that annoying sliver under your fingernail. Invading such a large Muslim country with a relatively democratic and stable government doesn’t seem wise at the moment. Don’t worry, I’m not accusing you of wisdom, it’s just we know there are more likely targets out there.
North Korea would be an easy target with its weak government and starving population. I’m sure you would love to clean up some unfinished business from the Cold War. Unfortunately, there’s this whole problem of China being right next door. I’m sure the issue will be discussed when you meet with President Zemin at the ranch next week – just don’t expect a green light.
In its own dysfunctional way, North Korea appears to be pulling its socks up. They tried to set up a little capitalist enclave – it wasn’t their fault the Chinese government arrested the Chinese entrepreneur chosen to run it. Sure, North Korea wasn’t overwhelmed by your envoy, James Kelly, but calling U.S. foreign policy "arrogant and threatening" hardly sets North Korea apart from the rest of the world.
We think the most obvious non-Axis choice is Cuba. We all know why you would want to take out Castro and begin restructuring Cuba – all you lack is an excuse. As I have suggested in the past, an embarrassing jail break from Guantanamo Bay leaving 20 or 30 suspected terrorists running around Cuba is all the justification your gang would seem to need these days. Just make sure the soldiers do not destroy any valuable assets, such as baseball players.
Colombia is another ripe target. Cocaine is as effective a weapon of mass destruction as I have ever seen, and what more could a global crusader want than a war-torn country full of drug-dealers and Marxist guerillas? Sure, there’s barely a Muslim to be found in the country, but it would help show that this isn’t simply a war on Islam.
As we peeled the onion even further, applying the vague criteria used to define those who are agin you to the rest of the world, some interesting results started to turn up. Weapons of mass destruction, soft on terrorism, important strategic resources and an oppressive government all seem to be qualifications for being a target in this war – and Canada scores remarkably high in all categories.
B.C. marijuana and creeping socialism are clearly weapons of mass destruction in your world order. We all know about Canada’s sorry military spending, its dangerous immigration policies and porous borders. You of all presidents are aware of Canada’s oil and gas resources. Finally, if spending 40 of the last 50 years under an arrogant and self-righteous Liberal regime isn’t some form of evil oppression, I don’t know what is.
What I’m saying here is, come on in. Canada needs some restructuring – just don’t forget to bring your farm subsidies with you.
Yours in freedom and liberty American style,
Buzz Angus
|
