How now, brown cow?
Spew goo, you two
It sounds like a few local video stores are planning to sell off fairly big chunks of their VHS libraries by Christmas, to make room for more DVDs. This means that if there’s a dusty old videotape out there that you’ve been meaning to rent, but never quite got around to, you should probably act fast – it might not be there in a few months.
That’s just what I thought I’d do the last time I stopped in for a quick rental. Unfortunately, I rented Futureworld (1976). I’d been intending to check out this "sequel" to Westworld (1973) for years, and had read several positive reviews telling me to do precisely that. Sadly, the reviews in question were written by lying bastards. Futureworld sucks so badly that it’s startling. Some films are timeless, while others quickly grow to become kitschy items of retro-chic. Futureworld ages like a banana stuck behind a radiator.
Now, we’ve all seen Michael Crichton’s Westworld, right? Right. It’s a classic. Basically it’s the same story as Crichton's later Jurassic Park, which used millions of dollars worth of computer-generated dinosaurs to accomplish what Yul Brynner did just by walking across the screen. Until The Terminator came along, Yul was the unstoppable robot villain, and to this day he remains unforgettably menacing. Plus, he was in a film that actually had the guts to kill off everybody in the theme park. The park’s robots, for reasons best known to themselves, just went amuck, and there was nothing anybody could do about it. Great stuff!
Naturally, we spend most of Futureworld waiting for the robots to kill everybody. This never happens! The film is 20 minutes longer than Westworld, is slower than a snail with no place to go, and has a final body count of zero. Worst of all, when Brynner finally shows up it’s in a romantic dream sequence with Blyth Danner imagining the steely-eyed gunslinger spinning her around in a mushy, slow-motion, soft-focus embrace. Bleeeaaahh.
Well, so much for my original idea of pointing out the hidden gems out there in the endangered tape sections. I might as well turn to the Dark Side, and spend the rest of this column telling you about some of the really cool new stuff that’s been coming out lately.
Rex the Runt (1998): The entire first and second season of this insane British clay animation series is now available on DVD. Each episode is only 10 minutes long, but there are 13 of them per disc! Rex is created by the guy who did the brilliant Robbie the Reindeer, and is a must-see for anybody who appreciates truly bonkers animation. A quick sample:
Bad Bob: "Don’t try to stop me. I’m going out on the streets. To sell my body."
Rex: "Right. Off you go, then." (Bad Bob exits. There is the sound of a cash register, and he returns as a face levitating in midair.)
Wendy: "How much did you get?"
Bad Bob: "Ten quid!"
Rex: "Great! Where is it?"
Bad Bob: "In my back pocket." (Pause. Looks down.) "Oh, damn."
Legend of the Swordsman: This is actually a retitled and dubbed version of one of my favourite Jet Li films, Swordsman 2 (1992). The pinnacle of "wire-fu," this berserk action flick endows all of its characters with ridiculous superhuman powers. The fights are incredible, with flying ninjas ripping up and hurling parking-lot-sized chunks of earth, or tunnelling through the ground like Bugs Bunny. Brigitte Lin plays a self-castrated warrior who turns female over the course of the film – she is also proficient at long-range decapitation and throws deadly sewing needles. Sticklers for the hollow values of "realism" need not apply.
Excel Saga: Possibly the craziest anime series ever. Finally on DVD, along with a "pop-up" feature to explain the weirder Japanese pop-culture references. Don’t expect the, er… "story" to make any sense.
The Hustler: Special Edition (1961): Even first-time viewers could tell that the videotape version of this classic was severely cropped off at the sides. Now, on DVD, we can finally see the full picture in all its anamorphic widescreen glory. Special features include audio commentary, a documentary and a picture-in-picture pool expert who demonstrates how to make the trick shots. Even if you own the tape, you need this disc.
One of the greatest motion pictures ever. Seriously. |
