Sex, sex, sex, and more sex
Look, ma! I'm an exploitation artiste
In the old days, if a movie bombed, the studio would just re-release it under a different title and try again. If it was a real stinker, they'd add some saucy footage, and the new advertising campaign would focus exclusively on that. Thus, the underperforming Bayou (1957) transmogrified into the smash hit Poor White Trash (1961), with all-new footage of a naked woman running through the swamp.
Perhaps today's filmmakers could learn a thing or two from the old hucksters. Could a box-office turkey still be saved by splicing in soft-core inserts and putting "SEX" in the title? (Please note that the following "films" do not actually exist. This is purely an excercise in speculation.) Read on....
Batman and Robin and Amber and Tiffany: In a desperate attempt to revive the flagging Batman movie franchise, a lengthy shower scene featuring Batgirl's body double is inserted. The new edit also explores the dynamic duo's sex lives, as a pair of superhero groupies show up to rock their world. George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell are unavailable to shoot the new scenes, so their replacements keep the masks on at all times. The deception fools nobody. Ticket sales skyrocket.
Deepthroat Island: The original Cutthroat Island lost millions, and bankrupted Carolco. Somewhere, in an alternate universe, the film is drastically recut. Now the fragments of the treasure map are tattooed on the supple bodies of several comely maidens, and it's a race to be the first to undress them. Wahoo!
Howard the Sex Duck: Sample poster blurbs include "An alien duck was my lover!" "Shocking confessions of bestiality!" "So cute! So downy-soft! So insatiable!" "SEE: nubile pop star in erotic clinch with adorable inhuman waterfowl!"
Hey, it's not like you can make the movie any worse. If your premise is that a talking duck gets a human girlfriend, don't be half-assed about it.
Orgy on Battlefield Earth: "Exterminate puny man-animals at will! But first... let's get bizzayy! Oh yeah!" (Cue ’70s wocka-chicka guitar music.)
One From the Crotch: Francis Ford Coppola's failed vanity project tries again, this time with more, er, heart.
Hudson Hawk: Hey, leave it alone! Screw you, I like this movie!
Heaven's Clitoris: Michael Cimino bankrupted a studio making Heaven's Gate. His perfectionism reached ludicrous proportions – at one point he insisted that the street set needed narrowing, and that the crew would have to move all the buildings three feet closer together on each side. When it was suggested that they simply move one side of the street six feet, Cimino refused. Can you imagine the cardiac arrest he'd have if Lloyd Kaufman came in with a bunch of sexy babes, shot a few lesbian sex scenes over the weekend and made the film successful?
Xanadoomee: A ludicrous old-fashioned-musical new-wave-roller-boogie Greek-myth pop extravaganza. With boobies. |
