Memories of The Banger Sisters
Or: pornographic Polaroids and Goldie Hawn's warlock hands
REVIEW
THE BANGER SISTERS
Starring Goldie Hawn, Susan Sarandon and Geoffrey Rush
Directed by
Opens Friday, September 20
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The Banger Sisters is so bad it’s miraculous. (Deep in the back of my throat, I’m secretly hoping for a quote on the poster. I can see it now: "'Miraculous!' – Mark Hamilton, FFWD.") Ranking favourite moments is nearly impossible – there’s just so much to choose from – but what follows is a partial list of what makes The Banger Sisters so, uh, special.
1. The Continued Devaluation of the Academy Award: The poster’s proud to brag about the presence of fellow Oscar Winners Anonymous members Susan Sarandon (Dead Man Walking), Geoffrey Rush (Shine) and Goldie Hawn ("Hi, my name’s Goldie and I won an Oscar… 30 years ago"), but the closest thing to acting here is the faux grooving to what most definitely constitutes the worst soundtrack to any rock and roll film in history. (Not only does Tommy Lee cover David Bowie, but he adds new lyrics).
2. Goldie’s Warlock Hands: At 57, Goldie looks better than anyone her age could ever hope to (well, those made entirely of human flesh, at least), in all areas minus one – her hands. Those massive paws flap around the frame like miniature tree-trunks. Drunken rumour has it (at least on the patio at Ming) that whatever was excised from Mary Tyler Moore’s neck found its way onto Goldie’s hands. Either that, or to quote Austin Powers: "It’s a man, baby," and there ain’t enough Palmolive in the world to smooth out that problem.
3. What Those Hands Get Up To: The Banger Sisters has one of the greatest closing lines in film history: "She was a hand-job giver – and a great one." Seeing as the line comes in reference to Suzette (Goldie "Grawwwrrr! I'm a scary man-eating warlock!" Hawn), whose hands we’ve already touched upon, it’s enough to prompt heavy consideration of a "hands-off" policy.
4. The Cock Rock Collection: Following the reappearance of her best friend Suzette, Lavinia (Susan Sarandon) snaps out of her politician’s-wife mould and the pair reminisce over a box full of rock-star-erection photos, taken at the height of their infamy as groupies. Gripping a snap of Jimmy Page’s member in her massive Middle-Earth hands, Goldie and Susan take turns guessing the name behind the, er, face.
Of course, given the film’s impeccable sense of comic timing, Lavinia’s joint sets off the smoke alarm, bringing her family downstairs. Despite Goldie’s attempts to cover up the photos with those satellite-dish sized bone-crushers, the gig is up in classic comedy style. "Oh my God!" yells politician-hopeful Raymond (Robin Thomas). "Penises!" exclaims Ginger (Eva Amurri, Sarandon’s real-life daughter, who must be receiving some sort of punishment by appearing in this film). "This one looks a bit like a nose," comments Goldie.
5. Holy Camel Toes! This one’s pretty self-explanatory. When in doubt, just say no to skin-tight lizard skin trousers. |
