The art of self defence
Beat people up the Video Vulture way, for fun and profit
Tear out this handy-dandy guide to cinematic hand-to-hand combat. Using these time-honoured techniques, you should be able to handle just about any situation that comes your way. (Video Vulture denies any responsibility for consequences of the detailed techniques. Use them at your own risk.)
Punch: The most basic and popular attack. It can be seen in just about any movie, including musicals and children’s features. Make your hand into a fist, then hit your opponent with it. Got that, Einstein? (Highly amplified "Pow!" and "Thump!" sound effects may or may not result.)
Kick: Do I have to explain this one, too? Hit your opponent with your foot. Popular targets for novices are the shins, knees and buttocks. Don’t aim for the head unless you have a serious height advantage over your foe or the flexibility and martial arts prowess to pull it off. The kick is a popular move with giants, animals and people with no arms. Variations include the Bouncy Crane (see The Karate Kid), the Flying Drop Kick (see Enter the Dragon) and the mules-only variant, the Backwards Field Goal (see Gus).
Bite: This move is fairly instinctive. Let your midbrain take over and you should have no problem. The bite is an extremely undignified move, best executed by lunatics, monsters and animals. After-effects of the bite vary, from embarrasing buttock welts (see Night Shift) to disfigurement (see Cape Fear) and bloody death (see Jaws). Vampirism, lycanthropy and even cannibalism can also be transmitted by bite, not to mention Contagious Lupine Homosexuality (see Curse of the Queerwolf).
Swallow: An extreme variation on the bite. Swallowing is a popular technique with whales, blobs, dragons and sandworms. You must be physically capable of completely engulfing your opponent, so it usually only works on enemies much smaller than yourself. (Practice it on shrimp. Yum!) "Toad" from the extemely peculiar motion picture Freaked could swallow meals much larger than himself, including a small dual-prop airplane, but this practice is not recommended.
Head butt: This move is somewhat counter-intuitive, at least in civilized society. (It’s popular in Scotland, though.) The forehead is used as a smashing weapon, despite the fact that the user himself receives an equally painful blow. To see this move in action, watch The Commitments, Fight For Survival and Ninja Scroll.
Touch of death: Some martial artists claim to be able to kill with a simple touch. My question is how do they practice this? Do they get volunteers to line up and be killed by this move? If not, how do they know that they’re doing it right?
Breathing fire: Simple to use. Just summon up eldritch energies from the depths of your devil-corrupted soul and belch out a column of hellfire (see National Lampoon's Class Reunion). What’s that? You don’t have any eldritch energies residing in your pure-as-springwater soul? You’re up poop creek then, mate.
Self-dismemberment: This alarming move involves removing one of your own body parts (preferably something redundant) and flinging it at your opponent (see Infra-man, Devilman and The Adventures of Ichabod and Mister Toad). The obvious drawback is that you are now missing a body part! Aaaaaahh! My God, what kind of a sick, twisted individual are you?
Combat Needlecraft: Take some ordinary sewing needles and fling them at trans-sonic speeds into the "Akemi points" of your opponent. Properly executed, this move is virtually unstoppable and can result in paralysis or, better yet, turn your foe into a life-size marionette under your control! (Make him dance! Make him fight his own allies! Whee!) Um… this move may require a little bit of practice to master. To see it performed flawlessly, watch the incomparable Brigitte Lin in Legend of the Swordsman (a.k.a. Swordsman 2), coming to video in late September. |
