Psychic pseniors
Methuselahs master mind, matter
You don’t hafta be Mrs. Garrett, nor Tootie, to grasp this Fact of Life: stuff gets old & so must go. This rule applies to everything under the sun. Sneakers get old (outsides shot to hell, insides stinking to high heaven), people get old (insides shot to hell, outsides stinking to high heaven), weekly back-page columns get old (so much eye-watering stinkery-pokery that you can’t tell in from out, let alone up/down, left/right, good/evil, sweet/sour, sweat/tears, et/cet), and the list goes on (& on). I can’t do much about the first two e.g.s (other than help barrel roll Great Grams curbside), but I’ll cheerily play god re: that last matter.
And, so, this month marks the extended last huzzah for the Mr. Smutty media empire. You might say it’s Deeply Symbolic (Man) to cease operations come autumn-time (what w/ said season traditionally being linked w/ dying & all that turn-turn-turn biblical philosobiz) (methinks it was just Solomon’s piss-poor excuse for not raking leaves), or you might say September 1st is simply when my sweatshop lease expires. Anyhoo, we’ll spend the upcoming final few weeks rehashing (uh, revisiting) ol’ faves from the last 112 yrs. Failing that, we’ll fabricate some lies & pass ’em off as ol’ faves. Regardless, we’ll have loads o’ laffs marking what one astute reader calls "the end of an error." Out w/ the old!
Speaking of "the old" (damn! I’ll miss these clever segueways, and how!), a new study sez old people can shave sev’ral years off their lifespans just by thinking negative thoughts about aging. (E.g. "Goddamn bladders aren’t built to last anymore! Why, back when I was young, I was young.") In other words, oldsters who bemoan getting older actually die earlier. This revelation, I gather, is s’pposed to be yet another "don’t worry, be happy" platitude. Or maybe it’s "ironic," like when you’re patiently pawing thru a box of chocolates b/c you don’t want marzipan & then you finally make yr pick & what do you get? Freaking marzipan is what you get. Or: a veiled explanation for why grumpy old folks run a greater risk of being smothered w/ a pillow than their chipper brethren. Either way, the less bitching I hafta endure, the better. Shut up or ship out, that’s what I always say when the situation calls for me to say something along those lines.
But maybe it’s wrongheaded to dismiss our bad-vibed ancients. They may even be onto something important & frightening. If you consider "drop dead" as a synonym for "stop getting older," then their incessant griping is actually chillingly effective: they don’t want to get any older, and so they don’t. It’s basically as if they can will their desires into existence. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to postulate the following: grouchy old people possess powerful psychic abilities. Yikes.
I’ve got no problem w/ anyone thinking themselves into an early (or early-ish) grave. (So long as it’s their own grave and they’re not trying to cop some necro-nookie. ’Tis bad taste, no pun intended.) But it stands to reason that if whiny old people can kill themselves using mental magic, then they could v. well use the same powers to kill the rest of us instead. And why wouldn’t they want to eradicate the younger generations? "Old" is a relative term, so if all the "young" people suddenly kicked it, there technically wouldn’t be any "old" people. Sure, the former "old" people would still be wrinkled & rickety, but at least they wouldn’t have peppy youngsters rubbing it in w/ their skimpy bathing suits & liberal attitudes. In conclusion, a society is measured by how well it treats its elders. So if we’re any kinda society at all, we’ll stop building so many sterile nursing homes & start building more sterile psychic-proof jails. |
