Not-ready-for-crimetime playas
or Small time crooks, big time hyuks
Whether it’s the "cerebral" laffs associated w/ language (e.g. a foreigner wrestling w/ an unfamiliar tongue), or the "physical" yuks associated w/ labour (e.g. a slaughter-house worker wrestling w/ an unfamiliar tongue), ineptitude is powerful funny. It’s not really about hilarity at someone else’s expense, rather it’s... nah, it’s pretty much just merriment at someone else’s expense.
The world needs criminals, b/c they are nature’s whipping posts. (And, by historical extension, so are the A_str_l__ns.) An e.g.: a fellow runs down the street & slips on a banana peel & goes flying ass-over-tea-cozy. This is funny due to the man’s ineptitude in the running-down-the-street dept. But: if the guy was a single-father (of 5!) & he was racing from his day job to pull a graveyard shift at another job (just to make ends meet!) & maybe one of his kids had been up all night (puking from bad shrimp!) & another was having trouble fitting in at a new school (b/c she’s worried her new friends will up & leave! just like mom!) well, then, it’s maybe not so funny. But if it was the same scenario (man, running, banana peel) except involving a criminal, well then it’s all systems go-man-go. Criminals are kinda like hardship: those which don’t kill us only make us laugh.
And so: police officers apprehended a criminal (red flag: guilt-free comedy ahead!) after he broke into a couple’s house, stripped naked, was spotted by the owners, then amscrayed. Employing up-to-the-minute crimefighting technology, the police determined the criminal’s home address. Which was printed on his driver’s license. Which was in his pants. Which he forgot at the crime scene. "We’re just glad we didn’t have to suffer thru a police line-up," said one of the victims, who added there’s reason to believe the criminal may have sat his naked ass down on their new leather couch before fleeing. "If you know anyone who wants to buy a couch, lemme know."
Another criminal, this one appearing in court on drug possession charges, was arrested by a bailiff after it was discovered he’d smuggled illegal drugs into his own hearing. The suspect drew uproarious laughter when he explained to the court, "I not only sell drugs, but I also use drugs. My critical faculties are severely damaged by years of drug abuse, which explains my foolish actions today. In fact, I’m ‘high’ right now, and really need help." The judge let the man go w/ a slap/wrist & a chuk/chin. Wiping away tears of mirth, he explained his leniency : "I think we all needed a giggle today."
One last walk on the illegal side, and then we can go back to rolling Cub Scouts for their bottle-drive money. Two criminals recently walked into an internationally-franchised coffee shop & demanded all the money in the register, and in the mug marked "Even canoes get tipped." (The chain shall herein go unnamed, but let’s just say it shares its moniker w/ a space-guy from Battlestar Galactica. Not Lorne Greene.) Deeming their "take" unsatisfactory, the thieves donned aprons & began serving coffees to supplement their haul. The ruse persisted until an eagle-eyed "regular" noticed the "new guys" weren’t engaging in proper call-and-response barista etiquette. (Instead of acknowledging an order of, say, "A tall-double-vegan-shade-grown-javaccino" by cheerily repeating the words "A tall-double-vegan-shade-grown-javaccino," the thieves would just nod & say "Jolly good," or "OK.") A squad car was dispatched to the scene. Officers arrested the thieves, immediately after draining two rounds of mochaccinos. The sum of endangered money was large enough to qualify as "grande," but too paltry to constitute "venti larceny."
After reviewing a security tape, the management expressed outrage at the thieves’ vagrant disregard for suggestive selling. "I don’t know what I’ll do w/ all this unsold biscotti," moaned the night manager, who eventually just decided to sneak it home in his knapsack. |
