| Take it off... take it all off
This week, Video Vulture takes a look at some of the most ridiculous movie scenes that involve strippers. It’s a big topic, so I’ll probably have to come back to it in a future column. (Darn!)
· The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1963): Notoriously amateurish cult classic from director Ray Dennis Steckler. Watch for the amusingly cheesy "Girly Show" on the carnival midway, in which the most visible audience member is a housewife with her hair done up in a handkerchief. (She’s probably just as comfortable watching this burlesque show as anybody would be… it certainly doesn’t contain any indecent material!)
The music starts, and six identical doors swing open on the set to reveal six matronly dancers in zebra-print gowns and big hair. They march slowly across the stage, raising their arms in unison, like a squadron of synchronized swimmers without a pool. March, march, turn, raise arms, stop, march some more... the urge to chant "I’m a little teapot" becomes harder and harder to suppress.
Then, the ladies remove their… capes! Wahoo! Everything else stays on – including the hats, dresses and the elbow-length gloves. Then they go back into their respective stage doors. Er…yeah. Very arousing if your secret fantasy is to witness a Cruella De Vil chorus line.
· What Do You Say to a Naked Lady? (1988): Holding an exotic dance competition at a nudist colony must have sounded like a good idea at the time. In execution, this turns out to be a fundamentally flawed concept, leading to one of the more surreal flesh pageants around. You see, taking your clothes off will not get you any attention if you’re the only person around who’s wearing any!
Go ahead and dance your heart out, contestant number 23 – nobody’s watching. Sure, the camera’s pointed at you, but when three naked people walk by carrying 90 pounds of camera equipment, our eyes follow them. The dancers become merely a distraction from all the really interesting stuff going on in the background… naked people eating lunch, scratching their butts, introducing one another to their naked friends, etc. It doesn’t help that the so-called "competitions" (Go-go dancing, Showgirl competition, Best Butt…) all amount to the same thing – an undressed lass desperately trying to attract attention to herself amidst a sea of bare skin. Come on, lady, you don’t see any of us grandstanding just to get noticed amongst all the other fully clothed people!
The show is hosted by Tim Allen, back in his will-work-for-food days. He’s slimier than you’ve ever seen him, leering at all the women and running his hands over them while he’s interviewing them. The words "Get away from me, creep!" seem to be coming from several of the contestant’s eyes. The video box makes shameless use of the then unknown sitcom star’s fame. I’ll bet Tim removed this little blockbuster from his resumé with a sandblaster.
Not to be confused with the 1970 Allen Funt film of the same name, which is simply a collection of mildly smutty "Candid Camera" vignettes.
· Tango and Cash (1989): Sweet Jesus! Have you seen this hunk of ’80s cheese lately? Yeah, I know, you all saw it back in the day, but after witnessing this camp travesty for the first time just a few weeks back, I still haven’t stopped laughing. Wow! Were all ’80s action movies this stupid? Let me think... yep, pretty much. (Geez, now I’m having A-Team flashbacks.)
The highlight is undoubtedly Teri Hatcher’s scene in a strip club. We know we’re in for something special when we see the previous stripper leaving the stage (still fully clothed) riding a God damn motorcycle. Clearly this is one of those biker strip clubs where there’s one stage, a noisy (but well-behaved) audience, and bizarre 60-second strip shows in which $50,000 worth of special effects and pyrotechnics are used, but the ladies keep their clothes on. Anticipation mounts.
Finally, Ms. Hatcher (looking young and very fit… yowza!) struts onstage to a blast of generic rock music while a 14-foot wind machine gently ruffles her hair. She walks around for a while, which causes the audience to erupt into uncontrollable spasms of hooting and applause. Then, somebody at the edge of the stage hands her a pair of drumsticks, and she beats out a frenzied four-second drum solo on a wacky octagon-shaped drum kit that wasn’t there a second ago. The crowd goes berserk. Finished, the triumphant Ms. H exits the stage, slipping past the enormous but silent wind machine, which is still causing the tinsel curtains to flutter oh-so-softly. She is wearing exactly what she had on at the start of the routine. The drum kit has conveniently disappeared from the stage.
Stare in disbelief at your TV. Then rewind, just to make sure you really saw it. Laugh like a mental patient. |
