Golden delicious
Steakhouse debuts homemade marinade
Rumours are fun, just ask yr mom – unless she’s too busy blanking blankers for blanks down at blanktown. (Darning socks for orphans down at the wharf? Baking cookies for soldiers down at the church? Busting heads for fun down at the mall? Even if yer not simple in the cocoanut, the mind boggles at the unseemly possibilities!) But seriously, mothers, nothing gets the collective tongue a-wagging like juicy gossip. Truth doesn’t matter one measly iota (I believe it was Wm. James, writing on the nature of truth, who remarked, "I’m lying like a cheap toupee in galeforce winds") as long as it pleases the ear & tickles the noodle. Case in pt.: that graffiti I scribbled about you, dear reader, in the staff washroom. You’ll find a new job, I just know it. You are a special person, and I believe in you! (P.S. You duplicitous tramp, you.)
Here’s a good one I just heard about a steakhouse in M_nn_s_t_, alleged to be the home of a 22 oz. urine-soaked prime rib (comes w/ salad and choice of potato). [Insert "au jus" joke here.] According to a tale currently making the rounds, an unsuspecting diner ate the "daily special," and then proceeded to vomit until the cows came home smelling like cheap perfume & expensive urine. (Interactive musical cue: hum that Coldplay song, the one about how "it was all yellow." Now: feel all smug. Later: allow regret to wash over you like a tropical rain.) The restaurant, howev, insists the piss-steak is a mistake. "The closest thing we have to urine-soaked beef is our steak-&-kidney pie," quipped a junior ass’t manager-in-training, displaying a good sense of humour about anatomy, but a bad sense of the professional decorum expected from a junior ass’t manager-in-training. Later, while cleaning out his cubbyhole, he mentioned the restaurant 86’d its "world-famous cheeseballs" from the appetizer menu b/c "it was too much hassle." In addition to hiring a new junior ass’t manager-in-training (exp. req’d), the owners are hoping to rectify this PR nightmare by spreading the good word: yes! it is safe for people to eat at the restaurant.
Another recent rumour, this one over in N_br_sk_, involved a customer finding what appeared to be a severed human penis clogging the drain at a self-service car-wash. I know severed penises come up (so to speak) a lot in this column (see also: "I Wish I Had Oscar Meyer’s Weiner: Hey, Lookee What I Just Found!" & "Chop Sue Me: Man Takes Legal Action To Regain Custody of Severed Penis") but I swear I’m not fibbing just to keep the trend alive. I also swear it’s got nothing to do w/ repressed feelings of inadequacy spilling onto the page, honest-to-Pete.
Anyhoo... after much scuttlebutt & on-dit, a forensics team arrived on the scene. As experts, they knew to begin by applying a gentle pre-soak to the purloined loin, followed by a vigorous scrub-down w/ the triple-foam brush & an application of foaming conditioner. Then, after sending someone to fetch more quarters, they moved onto a hot hi-pressure soap & hi-pressure rinse, followed by a poly sealant & a triple-foam sealant (better safe than sorry). After the spot-free rinse, the head investigator leaned forward and said, "Good golly! It’s actually a cow teat!" The revelation came not a moment too soon, either, as local men-folk were already powerful nervous about going anywhere near that car-wash. The owners are hoping to rectify this PR nightmare by spreading the good word: yes! it is safe for people to clean their penises at the car-wash.
As to the lingering mystery of the bovine nipple, the investigation hit a snag when a passing dog snatched Exhibit A and hightailed it outta there. Authorities believe the dog may be in cahoots w/ yr mom. |
