Have jumpsuit, will hench
Employment opportunities for cannon fodder
So, you’re just getting started on your new job as henchman for some bigwig industrialist named Auric Goldfinger or Ernst Stavro Blofeld, and the unthinkable happens. Some smart-ass secret agent comes along and blows up your boss’s headquarters. Now you’re out of a job. Where does a newly out-of-work goon with henchman experience and a total lack of firearm skills send his resumé? Here are a couple of potential employers:
Mr. Han: Applicants who seek employment with the one-handed master villain from Enter the Dragon (1973) will be expected to relocate to a remote island paradise. (Twist my arm.) Han prefers to employ Asian males who can speak broken English.
· Benefits: In addition to nice new island living quarters, you get free prostitutes. (Unless you’re applying for a prostitute job, in which case you get plenty of free... er... penicillin, I suppose.) Work clothes are comfortable, but the lack of privacy might bother some (the rooms are bugged). Henchmen will receive extensive training in the martial arts. This would normally be a plus, but....
· You're likely to be killed by Bruce Lee. Go ahead and learn karate. Break all the boards and bricks you want. Bruce is still going to kick your ass off and beat you over the head with it. I hate to sound negative, but you’re just not gonna beat this guy. Just play dead – we’ll all be better off if you do.
The Joker: You’re even considering working for this wacko? Man, you’ve got issues. Still, if you must work for a psychotic clown, he’s hiring.
· Benefits: Merchandise. Rare Batman-related memorabilia can fetch a pretty hefty price, and only henchmen get to wear those cool Joker jackets. If you survive the job, you can sell that sucker on eBay! Plus, you get to drive around in matching cars (attractively painted green and purple) and can fly around in the helicopter.
· You're likely to be killed by: Your boss. Don’t look so surprised – you knew he was crazy when you joined up. Sure, Batman might slap you around a little and throw you in jail, but the Joker will melt your face off with an acid-squirting flower and make a bad joke over your shivering corpse. And if he ever asks you for a gun, for God’s sake don’t give it to him.
Lady Eboshi: The villain of Princess Mononoke (1998) is a wealthy feminist warlord who inspires remarkable loyalty from her followers. It’s easy to see why – many of her people are former prostitutes or lepers given a second chance at life and an opportunity to be secure, productive and happy. The rich mineral deposits surrounding Iron Town generate plenty of wealth to go around. Trouble is, you have to destroy the monster-infested forests in order to get to them.
· Benefits: For the most part, Lady Eboshi is good to her people, providing wealth, safety, self-esteem and firearms that are highly advanced for the era. You’re definitely going to need the latter, because....
· You're likely to by killed by a pant-dampening array of ferocious animal gods. In addition to the feral wolf girl of the title, you’ll be expected to fight off terrifyingly vicious giant wolves and boars. If you aren’t crapping your pants already, you certainly will be when the giant headless forest spirit arrives, slopping caustic ectoplasm all over the countryside. Run away!
The Galactic Empire: Be a stormtrooper. See the universe. Die like a chump.
· Benefits: That white plastic armor looks pretty cool. Unfortunately, wearing this laser-attracting get-up tends to mess with your marksmanship. Even if you were a gold medal-winning sharpshooter before, once you’re suited up you won’t be able to hit the broad side of a sandcrawler. Why? Luke Skywalker offers a clue, when he steals a trooper’s cossie and mutters, "I can’t see a thing in this helmet."
· You're likely to be killed by: Plucky rebel princesses, upstart Jedis... even fucking Ewoks. Try not to spend too much time on the Death Star either – it suffers from a serious design flaw. (Ka-Booom!) |
