Mr. Manners on vacation
The dos and don’ts of European travel
Russia is a great place to visit, but after a month, my wife and I are relieved to be headed back to a world of convenience and comfort.
Taxiing down the Moscow airport runway, there is a vacation mood in the plane's cabin. Peeking out windows, people giggle as we pass an Irish Aer Lingus plane. Well, I giggle, at least. The airline may be failing financially, but it's still got the dirtiest name in the biz. Soon we're in the air, headed for Germany.
Within minutes there's trouble. In the seat next to us, a Russian businessman has gotten too relaxed.
"Tell it to the police in Frankfurt," says a stern, Lufthansa flight attendant to the flustered man. He speaks no English.
One row back, the man's associate explains: "He could not have been smoking in the washroom."
" I don't care. The police will be waiting for him."
"He doesn't even smoke."
"Then he will have no problem." Some people just can't wait to light up after Aer Lingus.
Rule #1: Don't smoke on the plane.
Rule #2: Do smoke after the plane.
FRANKFURT
It's breakfast time on the main floor of our hotel/pub, Zur Traube, a converted three story wooden house sandwiched between larger buildings. A basket holds several dark shingle-like foodstuffs. "What is this?" I ask.
"Something for you to eat," replies the breakfast girl with a sly grin.
I've ingested a frilly tablecloth and half my cutlery before being told what
is not something for me to eat.
The owner of the place, a woman wearing a long wig and leopard print cape,
hangs streamers. "We are having a party tonight. You can come."
"Put your room key in your trousers!" advises the breakfast girl as we leave the hotel. Keys: check. Trousers: I'll be right back!
Returning from a day at the zoo (highlights: 4 p.m., penguin feeding; 4:30
p.m., bonobos hurl feces at visitors), a tent has been erected outside the pub to hold the overflow from the costume party going on inside. We order beer and eat complimentary cake. A smiling German businesswoman asks us where we're headed and takes a large bite of cake from my wife's hand.
"We're going to Paris in the morning."
"I have studied French," she says seriously. "I know French. My school was
very... strong. Strong school, strong teacher. I decided I can not go to a place where they speak French." Tipsy, Pierre-hating, German moms are this winter's pashmina on the streets of Paris. We're disappointed – she'd make a great accessory. Ah well, more fries for us!
Rule #3: Don't leave home without them (pants).
Rule #4: Do feed local wildlife.
PARIS
It's 10 p.m., the waning end of a day spent in cafés and visiting art museums. The first Eiffel Tower elevator takes visitors diagonally up one of its great legs and empties onto the first deck. Here, everyone waits for a vertical lift to the top.
"This place is so over-designed," remarks a graying man in wire-frame spectacles. "They didn't know the properties of metal." Had the monument's builders known about spandex they would indeed have constructed the thing much differently. Imagine riding to the pinnacle, high above the city in a massive, chrome-studded codpiece.
From atop the upper deck, the city's lights stretch in every direction. The wind is strong, we retreat to the deck's glass-enclosed central observation room. Soon, it's time to leave. Queuing up at the elevator doors,we are preceded by a 40-ish American woman who has cornered a young couple.
"I'm a psychotherapist but I'm studying to be a hypnotherapist," she explains. "I find psychotherapy takes soooo long. I can do 10 years work in three months with hypnotherapy." While the addition of a hypnotherapist to a long lineup can make the wait seem like 10 years.
Without a breath, she continues. "I work a crisis phone to get some regular
money flowing in when I need it. People get hung up on the same ideas. 'Is my girlfriend cheating on me? You can talk to them for an hour and it all comes back to the same thing. I can't tell them 'yes they're cheating.' I always say 'Oh, no, they love you!'" "Why?" the young couple finally asks. "I'm scared!"
Rule #5:Don't talk to psycho therapists.
Rule #6: Do marvel at French metal.
Next time: Good Listener visits Ypres, Belgium
Good Listener is a monthly column dedicated to eavesdropping. |
