Heaven & mirth
Throwing the good book at accused loudmouths
Gotta make it qwik this week: I just won an exotic vacation (read: got caught fingering my neighbours’ sweat-socks off the communal clothesline) & I leave on the a.s.a.p. (read: they’re pressing charges). Huzzah for me! (Read: I’m in deep feces this time.) Wish me luck! (Read: seriously, wish me luck.) But before I go gentle (read: weeping like a Backstreet Boy) into that good night (read: police cruiser), allow me to leave you with a few thoughts about laughter.
Laugh, and the world laughs w/ you – unless the world is trying to sleep, in which case it pounds on the wall & screams "Pipe down, will ya! It’s 3 a-effin’-m!" Or, in the case that the world works the graveyard shift, it might scream something to the effect of: "It’s 3 in the afternoon, laughing boy!" Either way, the world is tired & doesn’t need yr laughing crap.) For more details about this Hard Life Lesson, The Kind You Can’t Learn From No Book, students needn’t look further than the strange case of a German gentleman named Hoho von Laffyhosen.
It would seem that Herr von Laffyhosen (not his real name) (real name: Klaus Giggleswürst III, aged 47 yrs) (genealogists will thrill to the revelation that he’s descended, on his mother’s side, from the Fünnybones family of Bavarea) is a man much disposed toward hi-volume merriment – too much so, according to his former landlord. Last year, von Laffyhosen found himself on the beeswax end of an eviction notice which claimed he "violated the rules" w/ his ’round-the-clock, not to mention loud-loud-loud, laughter. He refused to budge, so off to court everyone went.
The case had legal-eagles buzzing. (Note to factchecker: do eagles buzz? Or do they honk like geese or cabbies? Mend sentence accordingly & put it on my tab.) As is common practice in such disputes, the prosecution & defence "got Biblical" on each other’s respective hineys.
The prosecutor opened w/ Ecclesiastes 7:3, intending to besmirch von Laffyhosen’s character by noting "Sorrow is better than laughter," implying that were von Laffyhosen a "better" person (i.e., disposed more toward tears than laughter) none of this would’ve happened. The defence, however, deftly countered w/ Proverbs 14:13, blowing a hole in the prosecution’s cheap-shot by establishing that "even in laughter the heart is sorrowful." The prosecutor called for a 15-min. recess, during which time he hoped to grab a ham sandwich, but the judge only gave him 5 so he had to settle for Cheezies from the vending machine.
After the break, the prosecution rallied w/ the legal haymaker known as Ecclesiastes 3:4. "Ladies & gentlemen of the jury," he said, "there most certainly is a time to weep, and a time to laugh. But that time is between 9 a.m. & 9 p.m. weekdays, and maybe until midnight on weekends & holidays." Turning on his heel, he pointed an accusatory finger at von Laffyhosen: "And, just as there is a time to mourn & a time to dance & a time to plant & a time to pluck that which is planted & a time to build up & a time to break down – there is also a time to pack yr stuff in boxes & hit the road." Despite being instructed against making any outbursts, the jury let out one (1) audible group gasp, and two (2) nose-whistles.
During closing arguments, the defendant asked the jury to look deep into their souls and answer the real question: Does he who laughs last laugh loudest, or Does he who laughs last laugh longest? After an unprecedented 35 weeks of deliberation, they returned their verdict. "Yr honour," read the foreperson, "we have concluded that jury duty is way more fun than going to work every day. We find this court guilty of showing us a good time." Down came the gavel, and everyone partied. |
