Rock and rollers still trying to pick up chicks
No more lonely nights for punk rock kissy-faces The Neckers
With a name like The Neckers a four-piece rock band should be able to pick up chicks without a problem, right? For a band that plays nothing but self-professed snoggin’ music, getting a couple cute girls’ phone numbers should be a piece of cake. Recently, Fast Forward issued The Neckers a Valentine’s Day challenge. On a Sunday afternoon, we put The Neckers to the test and hit the streets to find out how many Valentines our frisky rock ’n’ roll Romeos could collect.
1:30 p.m. All decked out like foxy hooligans in skintight black jeans, black shirts, scarves and sneakers, The Neckers begin lookin’ for love. Encouraged by a couple appreciative honks from passing traffic, Bil (lead vocals) instantly approaches a pretty blonde with the line "I think this is love at first sight." Brendan (drums), Jim (guitar) and Gradie (bass) groan. The girl gives him a genuine smile, but keeps walking. Denied!
The Neckers are interested in girls, but are girls interested in them? Feeling a little pensive, the band purchases four boxes of chocolate and decides to practise a few pickup lines among themselves before approaching the next girl.
1:46 p.m. The band spots a young brunette wearing headphones and walking in their direction. Bil, the single one in the band, leaps at the opportunity to get her attention. His "I can see forever in your eyes" is absolutely lost on her. She takes off her headphones only after he’s delivered the line, and she says "What?" He delivers the line again. Looking baffled, the girl disappears with an "I gotta go." His bandmates laugh their asses off.
1:48 p.m. A pretty young thing is sitting on a bench in front of Wicked Wedge (alone!). This time, the entire band flocks around her. Her name is Corinne. They ask Corinne which Necker she’d want to date. Smiling shyly, she selects all of them and gives them her phone number. Victorious, The Neckers feel confident enough to tackle the rest of the avenue.
1:56 p.m. Bil approaches a girl sitting by herself in a corner of the Ship & Anchor. He tries a line on her, but strikes out again as she briskly replies "Why’d you pick me? I’m on a God damn date."
On the other side of the pub, Brendan, Jim and Gradie approach a gal focused on a pile of paperwork. She’s dating and will not leave her boyfriend for one or all of The Neckers.
2 p.m. The first one out of the chute again, Bil instantly runs across 17th Avenue upon catching sight of a blonde girl. They start chatting, she has great body language (open stance, wide grin) and she looks him up and down. Watching, the band cheers from the other side of the road. She giggles before they part. Bil didn’t get her phone number, but proudly says that she thanked him for asking.
2:01 p.m. Ready to give it a go, Brendan takes a crack at asking a girl out. Frowning, the grumpy girl pushes her way past him, growling "Don’t even talk to me." (Ex-girlfriend? Nope, total stranger.)
As the girl accidentally pushes him into a bus shelter, Brendan slips on ice and spends exactly three minutes falling before he hits the ice. His legs flail in the air. Everyone is laughing hysterically. Despite the dramatic thud, the girl doesn’t even look back.
2:05 p.m. Walking up Fourth Street, the band notices two cute gals across the street. They race across the street with their boxes of chocolate in their arms. The girls yell "Are you trying to sell us something?"
On the other side of the street, Bil catches sight of two girls wearing short denim skirts and opens the conversation with "I’m in a band." Way to cut to the chase, Bil! One of the girl asks, "What kind of music?" He replies, "Neckin’ music." He says that he’s the lead singer. She breaks his heart by explaining that she prefers drummers and then says that she’d date someone in a band, but she’d never date anyone in a band called The Neckers. Bil walks away with his red paper heart in hand. Will no one be his Valentine?
2:09 p.m. Two hipster girls walk across the street, and the boys decide to milk their rock band status. While Cindy and Nikki prefer bass players (point for Gradie), they also disapprove of the band’s name for its "trashy" and "slimy" connotations.
2:11 p.m. We hear a "hey" from across the street. It’s Clinton St. John from Trikl Act dressed in bright orange pants and a black sweater. He runs across the street to The Neckers. The band wishes they received the same response from the ladies. He quickly writes his phone number on one of their paper hearts and gives them props for their snappy uniforms.
2:15 p.m. Desperate, Bil approaches an older woman with shaggy blonde hair driving a brown van. It looks like her grandma is seated beside her. Bil starts the hustle. She responds "I’d rather date myself" before burning rubber out of Bil’s life with her granny. Bil, smiling, says to the band, "Wanna do this tomorrow, just for fun?"
2:17 p.m. Jim and Gradie try to pick up two girls looking through records at Sloth. The boys fail when the girls concede that they date girls, too.
2:19 p.m. Brendan gets asked for change. He replies, "Sorry sir, but I can’t fit change in these pants."
2:36 p.m. Gradie compliments Brendan on his pants.
2:45 p.m. Frustrated with trying to find women who will date them, The Neckers resort to asking out boys. They try to pick up K.J. Jansen (Chixdiggit), Ian Russell (Trikl Act) and Andrew Wedderburn (Hot Little Rocket). Wedderburn spills the beans: "They’re always drunk; they can’t put out – stay away from guys in bands."
2:55 p.m. In front of Megatunes, Bil finally finds a girl who digs lead singers. She gives him her phone number. The other boys resort to calling out pleas such as: "I’m so cold and alone," "Just love me," "Hold my hand" and Gradie’s personal winner, "I need a date for Valentine’s Day – I’m in a band."
Total phone numbers acquired: 14 (5 from guys).
Total number of girls (and guys) asked: 37.
Total number of bruises incurred: 2.
The Neckers’ new CD, The Neckers in A Whole Mess Of Trouble, is now available at better record stores around Calgary. A fine rock ’n’ roll band, they are having their CD release party at The Night Gallery on February 22. Go see them, but be sure to stay near your girlfriend (or, um, boyfriend – especially if he’s in a band). |
