Chow, hounds
Dr. Dogmeat, give me the news, I’ve got a bad case of eating you
Other countries make me laugh. Hard. I mean, one minute those people are out there speaking some crazy "language," the next minute they’re wearing wacky "clothing" or engaging in zany "customs." I was cooling my heels at the doctor’s office the other a.m. (waiting to get a catheter installed) (nothing’s wrong, I just hate leaving the couch when my soaps are on), killing time by flipping thru a vintage Nat’l Geographic, and man-o-man was it cracking me up! I mean, seeing the stunts people pull over in their homelands... gawdalmighty, I think I would’ve whizzed m’pants, had I not already done so on the bus-ride over. (Damn anesthetic.) My doctor was all like, "Son, can I get you some medicine?" (He sometimes slips me whatever leftovers are kicking around the office.) And I was like, "No thank you, doctor, for I have discovered laughter is in fact the best medicine." And he was like, "Yes, this is true. For thousands of years, doctors have been involved in a vast conspiracy to conceal this shocking truth and save our jobs." And I was like, "Since you offered, maybe I’ll take a few Tylenol 3s."
I’m particularly tickled by what foreigners will eat when they think the rest of us aren’t watching. Like over in South Korea, where they eat dogs. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks: mmmmm-mmmm, those dogeaters sure love eating dogs. I mean, how figged-up is that? I’ll tell you: it’s figged-up beyond all repair, that’s how figged-up it is. Of course, it is correct to eat certain animals (chickens, cows), but other animals (dogs, more dogs) are just no-way-man. For e.g., it’s perfectly normal for a strapping youngish N. American lad like myself to enjoy a hearty helping of, say, ostrich – not so if I were to chow down on a dachshund. For starters, I’d have to eat at least four of those little guys (and that’s only if I’m vaguely peckish), so it’s just not good value. Secondly, unlike poultry and swine, dogs are filthy little jerks. Correction: filthy little genital-licking jerks. R’member that old joke about why does a dog lick its unmentionables? Sure, there’s an element of showmanship to the deed, but the main reason is simple: b/c they don’t want people to eat them. And so we shouldn’t.
But someone’s always gotta be different. In this case, good ol’ South Korea. In a ballsy attempt to turn the world’s anti-dogeating frown upside-down, scooby-snackers concocted a goodwill academic named "Dr. Dogmeat" to spread the culinary gospel and entice tourists into sampling "The Other, Other White Meat, The One That Licked Its Genitals Right Up Until It Gasped Its Final Breath." The plan called for Dr. Dogmeat to hand out recipes (incl. comfort-food classics like "Body Preservation Stew") (for real!), and to promote 5-star puppy-chow restaurants. Dog activists, howev, cornered Dr. Dogmeat whilst on his daily rounds, repeatedly smacking him on the nose w/ rolled-up newspapers. Later, they tied him up in the backyard and went to the movies. "We’re lucky we didn’t send that guy home in a doggie-bag," quipped one unnamed protester. "Hey, I just made a funny!" His friends all agreed it was "a good one."
In other South Korea news, a local brewery has concocted a novel new way to get drunk as a skunk: chewable liquor. Inspired by the fave euphemism "barley sandwich," the new product combines all the braincell-killing goodness of alcohol w/ the creepy texture of gelatin. "We think our invention will put the fun back into intoxication," said a spokesperson too hosed to remember his own name. He added that children will enjoy the product’s "wiggly neat shapes," and parents will appreciate its mindnumbing properties. "Best of all," he added, "it’s a great way to kill the taste of dog genitals." |
