Perhaps the worst film ever made
SUB2: Writer renounces membership in The Jason Schwartzman Fanclub
REVIEW
Starring Jason Schwartzman
Directed by Dewey Nicks
Opens Friday, February 1
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To: The Jason Schwartzman Fanclub
Attention: Jason Schwartzman, President
Please accept this letter as a cancellation of my membership in the Jason Schwartzman Fanclub.
Early this morning, I was privy to a screening of Slackers, your first major film since Rushmore in 1998. At first I thought that maybe you just really needed the money. Then I realized you must have forgotten how to read in the time since your pitch-perfect performance as the pugnacious Max Fisher. Or did the scenes in Slackers with you wearing panties on your head, humping a couch and singing to a hair-doll plucked from the head of your beloved obsession, Angela (James King), read well on paper?
What about the deadly unfunny treatment of all the female characters? There’s Angela’s roommate, Reanna (Laura Prepon), who falls for your erstwhile pal, Jeff (Michael C. Maronna), after realizing that she likes it when he calls her bitch, slut, ho. Then there’s the middle-age prostitute who your cool Ethan gives a sponge bath, and who apparently has no name other than "dirty old whore." I wonder what your uncle Francis Ford Coppola will think when he sees you with a 50-something nipple between your teeth.
Just one look at co-star Devon Sawa, who looks as confused as a punched horse, should have told you that something was deeply wrong. And don’t even get me started on Sam’s (Jason Segel) singing penis. If nothing else, Slackers has certainly filled my yearly quota for unsightly pubic hair in movies.
You may call me a fairweather fan, but the truth is, I’ve stuck by you for over three years, waiting for another batch of quotable quotes and unforgettable characters. I turned a blind eye to your band, Phantom Planet, out of courtesy, even though a small part of me always wondered if you got together with Russell Crowe and Keanu Reeves to discuss the trials and tribulations of balancing a fledgling acting career with a non-existent musical one.
I thought you were waiting for the "right role" in which to return to the big screen. I suppose I was mistaken.
Yours truly,
Mark Hamilton
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